I don't even have to fake it now
by witchysiren
Summary: Fake dating modern day GOT AU. Tywin wants Jaime to grow up and take a leading role in the family business, Cersei wants Jaime's undivided attention. Cersei starts fake dating Euron to make Jaime jealous. Cersei & friends are 17-19 years old. Ships: Cersei/Euron, Harry/Euron (past), Euron/Falia (past) Jealous!Jaime & Jaime/Bronn(?). Lots of swearing. Lots of Genna Lannister Frey
1. Chapter 1

For **Olivia** , the captain of the Euron and Cersei ship.

Ships: No twincest but they still love each other obsessively. Tywin/Joanna. Euron/Cersei, Brief Harry/Euron, Genna/Emmon.

 **Flirting with the girls like you're so pretty**

 **I don't even have to fake it now – (American – Lana del Rey)**

* * *

When Cersei was younger, she remembered a story her aunt Genna had told her when she was drunk. Aunt Genna was often drunk and she told a great many stories. This story stuck with Cersei because it was not only the story of how their parents fell in love but it was very practical advice on how to apparently get and keep a man like her father. Also Genna had told Cersei the story on a night when her parents had gone to the royal palace for a ball, her mother was dressed in red and gold she was so beautiful and her father was the most handsome man on earth.

 _ **The story was that when they were younger, Genna and Joanna often got into trouble. Genna would usually flirt her way out of danger and Joanna would threaten her way out of trouble. However, this time they'd run away from home to attend an underground rock concert and the cops had raided it. Running away from the concert they had run right into some military cadets.**_

 _ **Genna and Joanna had a plan, Genna would find a cadet, flash him her tits, then Joanna would steal his wallet and they would take a taxi home. Genna however started flirting with a cadet who was both short and unattractive. To Joanna's chagrin, Genna was already kissing the Cadet and the two had disappeared into the bushes.**_

 _ **Joanna was furious, she was about to drag Genna out of the bushes when she heard the sirens. She looked around for someone to flirt with and steal their wallet from. She wasn't going to lower her standards or pull up her skirts for a romp in the bushes like Genna.**_

 _ **"You there," she snapped in her haughty and best snooty Lannister voice. When the cadet turned around Joanna was dumbstruck as she faced her oldest cousin Tywin. There would be no wallet stealing here, Tywin was not one to fall for flattery, infact people said that he never smiled and took advice from no one.**_

 _ **"Joanna," he had said looking at her, her cousin never asked questions, he made statements.**_

 _ **"Oh look it is cousin Joanna," Kevan wiped his nose subtly, it was runny he didn't want to appear weak in front of Tywin.**_

 _ **Joanna hugged herself it was cold, and Tywin's icy presence was making her colder.**_

 _ **"The sirens, your doing I suppose, with my sister as a willing participant no doubt," Tywin said in his gravely tone.**_

 _ **"Are you going to help me or just judge me you self-righteous pompous gold shitting wanker?" Joanna asked incredulously**_

 _ **"Now listen here Joanna, that's no way to talk to Tywin," Kevan stepped forward**_

 _ **"Shut up you gutless turd gargler," Joanna spat out each word like a bullet leaving a pistol, she held out her hand to Kevan, "give us your jacket, I'm freezing my tits off."**_

 _ **"No, then I shall be cold," Kevan pointed out**_

 _ **"Here," Tywin said, handing Joana his jacket**_

 _ **Kevan instantly shrugged out of his jacket and held it out to Tywin, "you might catch a chill…"**_

 _ **"He's made of ice, a bit of chilly air won't affect him," Joanna said as she slipped the jacket around her. She shut her eyes luxuriating in the feeling of the jacket enveloping her like a lovers' embrace. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath inhaling deeply then her eyes snapped open when she realised that she was in fact relishing in the scent of the stick in the mud, destroyer of fun, tattletale Tywin Lannister.**_

 _ **She was about to throw his jacket in his face when Tywin held out his hand she didn't hesitate taking it and casting a glance behind her as she saw the unmistakable dark uniforms of the coppers. Tywin and Joanna quickly stumbled into the bushes, leaving Kevan with the rest of the military cadets who were smoking or drinking or talking about their sexual conquests.**_

 _ **"Hey have you seen two girls come past here?" a policeman asked, as his partner took deep heavy breaths.**_

 _ **"No we haven't, have we…?" Kevan asked looking around for Tywin to discover he was alone.**_

 _ **2 months later Tywin and Joanna got married, 7 months after their wedding they were the proud parents of twins.**_

* * *

With the seed planted in her head, that if she kept getting into trouble, Jaime would always protect her and be with her, Cersei jumped from one disaster to another. Jaime had no choice but to be his more adventurous sister's body guard. So much so that he had no personality or identity of his own, he was simply her shadow.

That was until they turned 16, Tywin had called Jaime into his study, Cersei had waited outside listening, ear to the door. After failing to secure an alliance with the Royal family, and out of pride quit his enviable post as chief of staff, Tywin turned his attention to his children. Their duty was to raise the family name high. Tywin had accused Jaime of lacking ambition and that if he only wanted to be a glorified bodyguard for the rest of his life, he would look for another heir for their family business- their gold mining company and their family holdings CasterlyCorp.

Cersei knew Jaime would listen to her, that she should encourage him to pay attention when father spoke, to take an interest in politics and in current affairs. She knew that she could convince Jaime to be her father's model heir, after all they weren't going to give her the company or the mines. Alas, she was greedy and selfish, she wanted Jaime's undivided attention and love. So she ran away from home on the day of the annual shareholders meeting held at their estate. She knew that Jaime would find her and rescue her.

Except he didn't.

* * *

Because of her quick temper and flighty nature she hadn't planned things out and now she was lost. She walked quickly, head bent, past catcalls and beeping horns. She swore at people who tried to accost her. She slapped her hand to her forehead when she saw that her phone had less than 20% battery. She switched her phone off she would need to conserve her battery for when she spoke to Jaime.

Cersei was irritable, cold and hungry, in her hurry she hadn't dressed for her adventure. Luckily she had a fluffy red scarf in her handbag, a gift from Jaime. She spotted brightly lit fish and chip shop and walked in.

She subtly counted her money, she was a Lannister and knew that she must never let anyone think that didn't have money, when people assumed that you had money they always treated you better. She ordered the cheapest meal that came with a drink, with a bored look and no indication that she was hungry or desperate, she sat down in the corner booth where it was warmest.

She switched on her phone her battery was at 15%, as the notifications chimed and her call logs got updated she watched the battery level dip.

Jaime's face popped on her screen, she answered on the first ring, "hi," she answered, missing him terribly.

"Where are you?" Jaime asked.

"I don't know a fish and chips shop next to a uhm butcher," she craned her neck to see the street signs.

"That's helpful," Jaime said with irritation dripping off his words.

"I'm scared Jaime, please come at once. I need you," Cersei sniffled whenever he was cross with her all she had to do was cry.

"Where? You were meant to look after Tyrion he's been crying. Father is so cross with you. Fucks sakes Cersei. Why tonight? Why? What's the matter with you? Can't it be about anyone else but you?"

There was a painful silence, Cersei's lower lip trembled. She hadn't meant to cry for real it was meant to be for show but now she wanted to wail. Somehow Jaime must have felt her despair because his irritation was replaced with concern.

"Cissy I'm sorry I didn't mean it truly, I lov…"

"Sod off," she said and hung up.

She instantly regretted it as her phone died. She barely remembered how she got here, Gregor had given her a lift in his van told her to store his number and call him if she wanted a lift back home. Then she had met Qyburn for some much needed catch up, he was her vice president at the Westeros youth opposition party. Qyburn had offered to buy her lunch but she'd been so sure Jaime would come she'd stupidly said no.

"Boyfriend trouble?" the blue eyed boy with wet looking hair asked setting her food at her table. His uniform was a black t-shirt with a golden kraken on it, his apron said _"We do not thaw- everything's sea fresh_ " She looked at the menu, the restaurant was called " _The Pyke_ "

"What's ya name? Beautiful thing like you all alone?" he gave her a come hither look.

"Nunya," Cersei said smiling at him the same way Aunt Genna smiled at uncle Emmon while making fun of him.

"That's unique, to be expected because you are exquis…"

"Nunya business, now go away," she cut him off, she didn't need a distraction she needed a way to get back home to Jaime. The payphone on the wall had an "out of order sign" stuck to it.

The boy shrugged adjusted his collar and turned away, throwing his towel over his shoulder.

"No, wait! Do you have a phone charger?" She asked trying to keep the desperation out of her voice.

"Yes."

"What brand is it?"

"Nunya," he smirked looking over his shoulder.

"Fucking wanker," she said popping a tomato sauce sodden chip into her mouth.

* * *

Cersei looked up as the boy returned, his name tag said "Harry", another boy whose name tag said "Vic" came over with a cupcake with a lit sparkler in it.

"As our 5000th customer," Vic blew into a blowout whistle, "Congrats," he said slamming the cupcake on the table making Cersei's drink shake.

"Here," the rude boy who wouldn't give her a phone charger said putting a paper crown on her head, "My queen," he bowed with a smirk.

"As your queen, do my bidding give me your phone charger," she tilted her head and pouted like she'd seen on the telly.

"I don't have a phone," he told her.

"What? Why not?" She cried in disbelief.

"Coppers keep confiscating them saying I deal drugs," he sighed.

"Do you?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah but…"

"Go away," she said," shoo," she rubbed her neck wondering just how bad her night could possibly get, she'd gotten lost, had no money and was stuck in a fish and shop with a drug dealer and no phone.

Euron walked back to his brother behind the counter, he had lost his own name tag a long time ago and was using Harry's.

"Whatcha got there? Porn? Let us see" Euron said draping an arm over his brother's.

"Thought she looked familiar," Vic murmured.

"She's an adult actress? Euron's blue eyes widened unnaturally, he was obviously impressed by girl in the booth's occupation.

"No you bell-end," Vic said pushing his phone towards Euron.

It was the local tabloid, the headline read " _ **Choking on humble pie Lord Tywin quits as royal chief of staff**_."

The story was a few weeks old he saw a picture of Cersei with a cross over it and a larger picture of Elia Martell with a tick on it.

"Lannister aye?" Euron smirked

"Don't even think it his brother warned you know what her father's capable of."

"And you know what I'm capable of just wait and watch Vic."

* * *

"I could give you a ride home," Euron offered Cersei leaning against the counter

"Yeah no thanks I'd rather not be in tomorrow's headlines stupid girl found dead in gutter."

"Oh come now a gutter? I'd at least leave you on a bench."

A handsome lanky boy walked in, "Hey Vic," he called out raising his hand.

"Hey knobhead," Vic nodded from behind the counter.

Cersei's eyes widened as "knobhead" and "Harry" kissed in front of her

"Still using this?" "knobhead" asked pulling off the other boy's nametag

"Keeps you close Har," the other boy put his hand over his heart

"Euron you're a lazy sod, but you get points for being a hopeless romantic."

"Hopeless romantic?" Euron asked eyes sparkling with humour.

"Hopeless in general," Harry said cupping Euron's face, "I don't know what you're going to do without me."

"Starve, get arrested, die or all of the above?" Euron suggested.

"Euron? what kind of name is that?" Cersei cringed, "it sounds like urine, speaking off I need to go." She squeezed past Harry and Euron.

* * *

"Here," Harry showed Euron a plane ticket, "I leave tonight I just wanted to say bye, we've always been on and off and lately it's been more off than on."

"You're… breaking up with me?" Euron asked in shock.

"Oh don't give me that face," Harry frowned "I've seen the way you look at little miss stuck up muffett."

Euron just grinned back, "she's fit eh?"

Harry sighed "how can I go off to Essos knowing you're going to get yourself killed by Lord Tywin?"

Euron checked out his reflection on a metallic napkin dispenser, and ran his hand through his hair.

"You can't be serious Euron, she's practically royalty and you know what her family's like."

"My family has done worse euron shrugged ive done worse," Euron told Harry

"You're not her type she wants a prince not a sewer rat," Harry shook his head.

"Sea rat?" Euron actually looked hurt.

"Sewer rat," Harry corrected Euron

"I thought you loved me," Euron pouted.

"I can love you and still think that you are a sewer rat. Take my advice and do not pursue this girl."

"Will you come back?" Euron asked hopefully.

"Maybe not. I got a job offer at a joint called the golden company looks permanent. Maybe you can come visit…"

Euron turned his attention to Cersei as she emerged from the toilets

"She's not going to fall for whatever you're planning," Harry pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You fell for it," Euron smirked

"For what?" Harry scowled.

"The Greyjoy charm, _treat them mean keep them keen_ , hasn't failed me yet," Euron pounded his chest.

Cersei hoped that the day that she met the love of her life would erase this night from her mind. Especially the ladies bathroom. She would have to soak her hands in dettol after touching that door knob. the orange liquid on the floor was rusted water. She shuddered, her scalp tingled and her skin crawled. Rusted water. She chanted softly in her head, it was rusted water. She ignored the scrawls on the wall talking about which Greyjoy was the best in the sack.

"Euron, she'll be the death of you," Harry murmured softly.

"I can't wait," Euron told him with a laugh as his eyes shone.

* * *

"Okay you can drive me home," she announced happily, when she returned to the very attractive couple.

Harry sighed and face palmed as Euron got out his keys.

"Wait… you're not pretending to be gay to get me to trust you right?" Cersei asked narrowing her eyes.

"That's the most self-centred and offensive things I've heard, mind you I talk to myself," Euron frowned a deep crease appearing in his brow.

"No. I am quite most definitely gay. I'm Harry, Harry Strikland, by the way, and this is Euron I'm a degenerate Greyjoy."

"Cersei. It's so nice to meet you, you have terrible taste in men by the way."

"I know but anything is better than an empty bed," Harry said pursing his lips.

"No, an empty bed sounds much better than a drug dealing fish and chips selling rude," Cersei was lecturing Harry when she was rudely interrupted.

"Bye Har, Vic wash your hands after wanking at the counter aye?" Euron said heading to the door, "coming princess?"

"What happened to "my queen"?" Cersei asked lightly

"Vic told me you're a Lannister," Euron told her, it was time to throw her family's disgrace in her face.

"Yes I am, so what? Can't Lannisters be queens?", Cersei smiled at Euron, this was nice. She'd never gotten the hang of making friends, every girl was competition for Jaime and everyone who wasn't them was an enemy.

"No everyone knows you have no royal blood, and the king rejected your father's suggestion for you to marry the prince said you were…"

Cersei's smile faded. "Servants, the king said we were servants and that I wasn't good enough to marry his son."

"You're upset."

"No shit Sherlock, you git," she glared at him, hands on her hips.

"If it makes you feel any better," he began step 2, step 1 was insult, step 2 was to show that he understood and had suffered the same thing or worse.

"No. Nothing will make me feel better about my father's humiliation and my not being good enough to marry the prince."

They walked quietly to the carpark.

Euron was wracking his brain, it usually worked, she should be trying to comfort him or tell him how well he understood her and how grateful she was that he knew how she felt.

"Where's your car?" she asked in that snooty tone. There wasn't a car in sight.

"I never said I had a car," he said handing her a helmet and got on the most terrifying motorcycle Cersei had ever seen, it looked like it had come straight from hell, it was black and red and gold.

* * *

*One hour later*

Euron helped Cersei off his bike and was helping her take the helmet off.

"You're quiet," she said fluffing her hair out.

"I like silence, which is why…"

"This is going to sound ridiculous but I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend," she interrupted him

"To make the prat on the phone jealous?" Euron guessed

She nodded, he wasn't as stupid as he looked, she noted.

"What's in it for me?" he asked cheekily.

"You get to be seen with me and people will forget that you're a dodgy drugdealing arsehole," she rolled her eyes he should be so lucky to be seen with her.

"I'm not just a drugdealer you know."

"Oh?" she asked, curious.

"Me and my lads we steal cars too," he bragged

"I'll just pretend I did not hear that," Cersei rubbed her temples and was having second thoughts as her new friend started listing his rather long list of criminal activities

"Don't you need to ask Harry?" she interrupted him again

"Nah."

"Nah?" she asked incredulously

"Nah we broke up," he shrugged

"When?" She asked surprised.

"When you were in the loo," he said vaguely

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

He looked her up and down licked his top lip and bit his lower lip.

When she asked "well?" with her hands on her hips, he realised that his patented _Euron-Greyjoy-lip- lick-lip-bite_ signature move didn't work he was confused.

"Okay never you mind, Harry's too good for a bell-end like you. Ground rules, no sex but that's not an issue since I'm not your type no touching because you smell like fish and chips and you need a phone…" Cersei had to think fast as she saw the front door open.

"You expect anyone to believe im your boyfriend if I don't touch you?" Euron scoffed.

"The implication is enough, besides my aunt told me about your lot, a girl can fall pregnant just by standing next to a Greyjoy."

"That's a theory worth testing aye," he smirked at her.

"Oh god he's here," she clapped her hands together, step one in ' _operation: using a disgusting criminal to make Jaime worry about me so that he spends all his time with me_ ' was finally going to start without a hitch.

"Who?" Euron asked, the girl wasn't interested in him, that was apparent but it was just inconceivable, he'd never failed to seduce anyone before it was a travesty.

"Jaime."

"Jaime? Oliver?"

"Jaime," she insisted, "You're meant to make him jealous."

Euron looked at the approaching blonde boy, oh yes the golden boy, won some national fencing competitions and was the captain of the rugby team for some fancy nancy boy's school.

"Right," Euron said pulling Cersei in for a kiss. She was so surprised that she didn't enjoy it till it end and then protested when he pulled away. She grabbed the sleeve of his leather jacket when she realised that she a Lannister had liked kissing a Greyjoy. She would have to gargle with half a bottle of Listerine tonight.

"I…I thought you were gay," she whispered angrily.

"I thought only Targareyns were into incest, and mind you Harry broke up with me because you're exactly my type," he whispered, his breath tickling her ear.

"You, you fucking wanker!" she hissed.

"See you later my queen," he winked and sauntered away to his bike.

 **The end?**


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for reading.

 **Olivia** , hope you like this one, someone is wearing elephant underwear.

Notes: Cersei is angry. Tyrion is sad. Jaime is stupid. Bronn buys drugs. Euron is smart. Tywin is homophobic.

* * *

That night Cersei with lowered gaze, weathered the storm that was her father. When he threatened to call Lord Baratheon and arrange her marriage to his eldest son Robert, her nails almost drew blood with her clenched fists.

After hearing the loathsome Robert's name from her father she stopped listening to him. He raged and she responded with yes father and I understand father, periodically.

* * *

The next morning she caller Gregor. He arrived promptly she asked him to drive her to the industrial area nick named the iron islands.

She dressed in the way the girls there did short skirt, sneakers, long sleeved sweater over a collared shirt.

Gregor was about to follow her.

"No. I'll call you," she said and hopped out.

She gingerly made her way to the boat in the deserted run down jetty they'd come to. The boat said "SENCE", the I and L had faded away. She knocked on the door, it was open and it swung inwards.

She stepped into the room and was shocked at the squalor there was clothing strewn on the floor, she swore she saw a rat. She didn't scream, she wasn't craven, she was a Lannister, they didn't cringe, they roared. Then she spotted him. Euron Greyjoy was sleeping on a couch to her right, naked as the day he was born.

"Enjoying the view Luv?" he asked, flexing his biceps as he placed his arms behind his neck.

"No," she shielded her eyes from seeing him with her clutch purse, another gift from Jaime. Euron was 90% more unpleasant without Harry around. "I am simply trying to discern if it is seeing you naked or the seasickness that makes me want to so very violently vomit. Put on some clothes," she said lips in a thin line.

"No one's ever said that to me before," he sighed dramatically.

"You spend your time with criminals, whores, your family and the dregs of society so why would you? Oh pardon me I'm being redundant, your family is the dregs of society."

"Are all you Lannisters such snobs?"

"Yes, actually not Tyrion, but he doesn't matter."

She looked around for a place to sit then decided against it everything looked mouldy, she took small cautious steps examining how the have-nots lived. It wasn't a pleasant sight. There were some pictures of Euron and Harry they looked happy. She spotted a pile of laundry almost as tall as her in the corner.

"I thought the ladies loo at the Pyke was disgusting, but this…" she threw her hands up.

"To what do I owe this pleasure your highness? Why are you here? Other than to admire my home and my co..nsiderable assets?" he asked pulling on a pair of boxer shorts that had an elephant pattern on it with a trunk in the front. He looked around and pulled on a tight black tshirt. He blew her a kiss catching her staring at his exposed skin before the fabric hid it from view.

Cersei wondered briefly how Euron managed to look more indecent half-dressed than fully naked.

"A progress report. It's working," she said, "he hasn't paid me this much attention since that time Melara almost drowned me," she sighed happily almost smiling at him.

"I asked around about you they said you tried to drown her."

"Yes, yes Lannisters are the worst," Cersei exclaimed with an expressive shrug, "I wonder what else we're responsible for? Why not blame us for global warming and the global financial crisis while we're at it," she scoffed.

"Actually yes, Harry said that your factories in Essos are the largest contributor of pollution and didn't your father bankrupt hundreds of small to middle sized enterprises?"

"I didn't come here to talk about my father," Cersei said looking down at him as he sat down on his couch.

"Right you're here about your Nancy boy brother," he ran a hand through his hair, again flexing his biceps making his tattoos ripple.

"My brother's worth a thousand of you," Cersei pointed out happily, ignoring how his tshirt inched up with every movement he made. I am not a pervert she told herself, I am a lady.

"If you weren't so in love…"

"Listen to me there's a problem we have to make sure this is discreet if my father hears about this he may marry me to Robert Baratheon."

"He's in line to inherit the throne if the royal family all suddenly die off, sounds like a good deal to me," Euron opened an icebox next to the couch and pulled out a beer, he offered her one, she declined with a disgusted look on her face. He shrugged and took a swig.

"He's a disgusting pig. He's already gotten some girl pregnant and he has a temper, No I shan't ever marry him. I'd rather join the silent sisters," she vowed, pounding her fisted hand into another.

"Don't you want to be queen?"

"Well yes, who doesn't? But no not the queen of a pig."

"Whose queen do you want to be?" he asked locking eyes with Cersei. She wasn't blind and he wasn't called the Greyjoy bike for nothing, everyone wanted a ride.

"Rhaegar Targaryen's" Cersei sighed sadly, breaking out of her daydream of walking down the aisle to meet Rhaegar at the Sept of Baelor. It was all she'd ever wanted and Father had encouraged her daydreams and since father was the most powerful and clever man in Westeros she had stupidly believed that there was a chance that she would become the crown prince's wife and then eventually a queen.

"What in the gods' names do you think you are doing?" she hissed when she realised that Euron was no longeR on the couch, she hadn't even noticed him come closer that was how lost in Rhaegar she could get.

He smirked at her, "Cersei you deserve much better than... "

She shook her head, "Incredible! Okay let me explain it slowly and in simple words that even you can understand. Every breath you draw in my presence annoys me. I am merely allowing you to breathe the same air as me to simply make my brother worry. Are you even listening?" she asked

She averted her face as his lips caught a faceful of her hair

"He's here," Euron whispered

"What?" Cersei asked in fear. Usually she knew where Jaime was, it was their secret twin sense. She could always feel Jaime, that's why she never experienced stage fright, his presence always comforted her, whenever she performed on stage. She always had a special smile reserved for Jaime it would always be there when she turned around to face him. This time her sense had failed her and he'd caught her unaware, instead of a smile she gave him a pained expression.

"I thought it was just a one off thing because of yesterday but I forbid you from seeing him anymore. Come," Jaime commanded Cersei holding out his hand

Cersei nodded and meekly followed Jaime, taking his hand.

Jaime was surprised that she'd given in so quickly, he was secretly pleased. Cersei was not one to listen to anyone, she never openly defied their father but he knew that she would if she could. She fought, schemed, manipulated and rolled her eyes whenever anyone told her what to do. Cersei always thought her ideas were superior, she believed that she was her father's equal in intellect and cunning.

Euron fell back on his couch and tried to sleep but it evaded him like Cersei's lips. He fell into a dream he was a pirate and he was drowning in molten gold. He woke up gasping only to realise it wasn't gold it was Cersei's hair.  
Harry's words came back to Euron she'll be the death of you.

The ride back home was pleasant, with Jaime proud and crowing, Cersei playing the compliant and contrite sister, as she tracked her online purchase as it reached its destination.

* * *

When Euron went to work that evening there was a small package on the counter. He had pushed the continuation of the unpleasant dream out of his head. He did remember that in his dream he had a an impressive axe, he had used in the service of the Queen who wanted to reward him with everything but what he truly wanted, her.

He tore into it the package with as much gusto as his axe in his dreams hacked into people's flesh. It was a phone.

When he opened the contacts directory it only had one number stored "my Queen" the display picture was the paper crown he'd placed in her hair. She'd kept it. It was the cardboard replica of the Driftwood Crown, legend had it that the Greyjoys were descended from Kings and Queens of a group of islands and that their crown was made from driftwood as they were a seafaring people. They used the paper crowns for children's birthday parties at the Pyke.

He promptly stuck the phone down his pants took a picture and sent it to Cersei. " ** _Thanks for the gift here's yours_** ," the accompanying text message said.

Jaime while not stupid, was rather gullible, so while Cersei had vaguely promised to stop seeing Euron, Jaime had believed her. However he couldn't stop his suspicious mind from compelling him to steal Cersei's phone.

When Cersei's phone lit up, she didn't use the vibrate function and when father was home the phone was always on silence. Jaime looked at his father who was talking to the chef his steak was too well done.  
Knowing his father detested people looking at phones at the dinner table he took a risk.

Jaime picked up Cersei's phone she was paranoid but she'd taken off her password protection since she'd been planning a fund raising event with Qyburn thus she had to unlock her phone every 10 minutes.

He dropped the phone and wiped his hands on his trousers. Tywin looked at Jaime, in concern as the terrified chef scurried away to the kitchen.

Jaime picked up the phone and ignoring the picture of the penis read the name of the sender it said "fish & chip shop." He placed Cersei's phone next to his phone they were identical. Jaime wanted to crush Cersei's phone into pieces to grind it into dust.

Cersei gracefully walked into the dining room "good evening, Lord Father," she kissed her father's cheek, Jaime's forehead and ignoring Tyrion sat down picking up her phone, "I didn't panic. I knew you'd have it, my hero," she smiled at Jaime, hand at her heart. Jaime gave her a weak smile and his attention was caught by his little brother.

Tyrion was staring hard at his ipad and was trying to pretend that he hadn't just extended his face out for a kiss from his sister.

Jaime smiled at Tyrion he vowed to shower love on Tyrion to make up for Cersei's lack of affection.

Cersei picked up her phone and to Jaime's dismay she actually looked impressed with her "gift"

" ** _You're disgusting_** ," she wrote back smiling to herself.

Jaime had memorised Euron's number, he angrily messaged him, "Send my sister another indecent picture and you'll have me to contend with, Jaime Lannister."

Jaime's phone chimed this time he received a picture of Euron's cock with the caption " **suck me cock** "

"Son, your phone," Tywin said, Tyrion looked up even though he was 7 and his IQ was genius level, he still hadn't grasped that when Tywin Lannister said son, he meant only Jaime.

Jaime walked over and held out the phone with both hands out of respect and stood by behind his father awaiting his impending punishment.

Tywin, looked at Cersei, "I believe I must reiterate the our rule of no mobile devices at the dining table."

"Yes father that is a splendid idea," Cersei agreed gleefully snatching away tyrion's ipad "Sorry," she said brightly as Tyrion's face fell.

Tywin looked at Jaime's phone screen, "A friend of yours I take it. "

"No."

"You admit then, that you are consorting with strangers like this," his father's tone plunged the room into below freezing temperature.

Cersei turned away from relishing in Tyrion's sad pouting face to Jaime in concern.

"Who is he?" Tywin asked, jaw hard, gold flecked green eyes harder still.

"No one important," Jaime said blushing

Tywin steepled his hands, "If this ends up in the newspapers you will be no son of mine."

Cersei's heart ached. What had Jaime done to upset father? she was the one who ran away. She and Tyrion were the family disappointments. Jaime was the golden heir. What was on Jaime's phone? Naked photos? A sex video? Was Jaime seeing someone? The thought made her angry.

When the tense dinner ended with Tywin retiring to his study Cersei grabbed Jaime's phone from where Tywin had just vacated his seat. Unlike her Jaime had no password protection.

Cersei blinked, then turned to Jaime "who's sending you cock pics?"

Jaime always ready with a nasty comment about people's looks or social status was speechless. He snatched his phone picked up Tyrion and left Cersei staring at him in disbelief.

When Jaime went to bed that night his phone chimed.

 **Sweet dreams Cersei** said the caption to another picture of Euron's nether regions.

 **"Fuck you** ," he wrote back

 **"Soz wrong number brother ;)** " came the reply

What was wrong with his sister? Jaime wondered how had she gone from a prince to this unpleasant miscreant?

* * *

"Bronn, I want you to acquire some shade of the evening."

"And where do you think I am going to find it, pop over to the chemist and say oh can I have some shade of the evening and some paracetamol for Lord Tywin's lordling?"

"Ofcourse not, you have your connections, just get me a small amount, I have a plan."

"Oh this will be good. Let me guess it's about yer sister," he made quotation signs when he said sister.

"Cersei is mixing with questionable company," Jaime said gravely

"So you're going to get drugs to do what exactly prove that you're questionable as well?"

"No as you well know King Aerys has made it clear that he wants me to join his Kingsguard."

"Which you're not going to do right, it's just a bunch of babysitters for that paranoid old git. Your father will disown ye."

Jaime bristled over Bronn's words, the horrors of last night still fresh in his mind he decided to take matters into his own hand and force Cersei and Euron apart.

"First of all talk like that can you get arrested for treason. I am thinking about it, it is an honour, it is the oldest profession in Wetseros after all," Jaime said proudly.

"No that's whoring," Bronn grinned

"I met some of the Kingsguard, top blokes, I told them that there was a girl who was getting mixed up with undesirables and they suggested that if she got caught up with the law she would see the folly of her ways and stay away from them."

"So you want to get her arrested for possession of drugs and…?" Bronn asked sceptically

"No the Kingsguard will pose as the cops and then she will call me and I will rescue her."

"This is barmy, you are insane, she is not your girlfriend she is your

"She is my best friend and the doctor said I came into the world holding her foot. It's undeniable. We must always be together."

"Does she feel the same way?"

"What do you mean?" Jaime hated how Bronn teased him about his devotion to Cersei.

"If she is indeed shagging the Greyjoy, and I hear that he's very popular with the ladies, then maybe you need to back off and get a girl of your own."

"No, I cannot sit by idly and see her with Greyjoy. Anyone but him," Jaime said through gritted teeth.

"What about me?"

"Anyone but him and you," Jaime amended.

"What about Robert Baratheon?"

"Anyone but Greyjoy, you and Robert Baratheon," Jaime was getting irritated with his friend.

"What about that Martell bloke Ob…"

"Just get me the drugs will you?" Jaime snapped.

"Fine. As your fencing tutor I have to state for the record that you are a dumb cunt."

Jaime shrugged.

* * *

Bronn walked into **_the Pyke._**

Euron nodded at Bronn as Vic made his way over with an alternative menu, the one that listed illegal substances and petty crimes and their costs and estimated prep time.

Euron had awoken from another dream about Cersei. She had short hair, seated on a throne, she was all he saw. He barely registered anything about the dream but her, he did note that it was like something from a King Arthur type of movie, medieval with swords, knights and women in ugly dresses. Except Cersei she was in a severe black dress with a crown atop her fair head.

She looked straight at him and spoke, regally, just as a Queen would, " ** _You've proven yourself the greatest captain on the fourteen seas and a true friend to the crown_**."

Euron had let out a sigh that shook his entire frame, when the dream faded, even in his dreams the Lannister had friend-zoned him. Harry was right she would never fall for his tricks. He wiped the counter viciously until he saw his face reflected back at him

Bronn looked at the menu, "I'll take the number 6," he winked.

Victorian shuddered

"Not a fan?" Bronn asked

"Can't get it down me throat," Victorian admitted.

"Not something you must hear often from your girl aye?" Bronn asked looking at Euron

"Pardon?" Euron pushing himself up from slouching against the counter

Bronn just stared at Euron, "oh I forgot you're into Lads," he forced a laugh

Euron put his phone to his ear and called Cersei, turning away from the customer and his brother

"I'm busy what do you want?" contempt was dripping off every word

"I wanted to hear your voice," he drawled

She hung up.

He stared at the phone and then turned to the man he was certain was Jaime's mate, it was no coincidence that he'd come here to buy drugs. Euron went on Jaime's Facebook and there he was Bronn Blackwater. While Bronn didn't look like a copper, Euron wasn't going to take a risk. He handed Vic the brown paper bag to give to Jaime's lackey.

Bronn paid for the shade and was about to leave when Euron blocked his path

"I'm not a copper, I promise."

"I know. You ever talk about her again, I will cut _out_ your tongue and eat it in front of you," he said patting the other man's shoulder good naturedly gracing him with a smile.

Bronn got into his ancient car and looked back Euron was still staring at him. Bronn laughed, the Greyjoy was insane, this was going to be more entertaining than that time he and Jaime had backpacked through Dorne and Bronn had tried to seduce one of the Dornish princesses and gotten himself and Jaime arrested.

"Here," he threw the fastfood brown paperbag at Jaime.

Jaime put the ziplock bag containing the drugs into Cersei's glovebox. He and Cersei had identical white mustangs. Her plates said ** _Jo_** and his said **_Anna_**.

* * *

When night fell, Jaime sat dressed waiting for the call from his contact in the Kingsguard, Barristan Selmy.

Jaime waited and waited. Then finally the call came from Barristan.

"She didn't call me," Jaime said as soon as the call connected.

"Aye lad," she called someone else.

"Who," Jaime asked dumbfounded

"A Greyjoy I believe, and the real police showed up, it was quite strange they seemed to have been waiting for her."

"What? Is she okay?"

"Yes turns out it was potpourri, Lavender. She's left with him on his bike, I'll bring the car to you she left the keys in the car."

Jaime hung up. He did not relish the thought of explaining to Bronn how spectacularly his plan had backfired.

* * *

Cerseis first instinct was to threaten them with a time tested "My father will hear about this!" However as soon as she saw the plastic bag, she knew she was on her own. She vowed to destroy Euron Greyjoy, he'd never touched her car, as far as she knew, but she was sure that he was involved somehow.

She wanted to slap herself, her instincts did tell her not to trust the drug dealing car thief, but here she was about to get arrested over drugs.

 _Great going Cersei_ she told herself, you truly are the stupidest Lannister.

She spelled out her name and had given them her driver's licence, she was about to call Jaime her phone in her hand when she saw Euron swagger through the crowd. She had looked skyward, she was no angel but she truly did not deserve this. She was a big believer in giving credit where it was due and she was not going to go down for drug possession.

"What's this hey police harassment?"

"Sod off Greyjoy. If you're here that means that she's a client of yours?"

"Yeah she's a client," Euron flashed the cops a shit eating grin.

Cersei's eyes bulged. Her life was over. She was going to be a juvenile delinquent. Her father would disown her.

"That's airfreshner."

"What?"

"Sniff it," he told them

"Why did you stop me?" Cersei asked arms crossed hiding her shaking hands, her voice bold now, frowning at the police as their dog turned their nose away from the ziplock bag

"Anonymous tip."

"Really? My father will hear about this," she told them relishing the colour draining from their faces, she wouldn't tell not really. "I have an urgent meeting to go to…"

"How to put on make-up and smile?" the Officer asked

"Not even that class would help you," Cersei said with a pitying smile, "can you imagine lipstick on a hog?"

The officer bristled

"Oh look there's a roadblock guess you're stuck here all night," the cop said as her partner laid down a barricade.

"Why you fu…" Cersei hissed, eyes blazing with wildfire.

"Come on, you are in no condition to drive I'll take you home."

"No," she shook her head feeling his hands on her arms and then her hands in his hands. "I do _not_ want to go home," she said stubbornly

"Very well as my lady commands," he said and steered her towards his bike where Vic and a girl were kissing against his bike

The rest of the night was spent on Euron's boat as Cersei paced and plotted out loud over how she would get the two officers fired as Euron weighed out drugs and sealed them into identical packages that could be mistaken for potpourri.

Usually he would get his younger siblings and underlings to do the menial labour while he took care of the paperwork. But he had an angry lioness in his home and he had to be sober when he took her home.

"Are you even listening to me?" she raged wanting to take her anger out on him.

"Roar at me all you want, Luv, since you won't direct it where it deserves to go."

"Whatever do you mean?" she had asked, with a head tilt.

"Your precious sweet Jaime tried to get you picked up by the coppers."

"Why don't be daft Jaime would never."

"Jaime could and Jaime did," Euron mocked her mimicking her westerlands accent

"You are simply jealous of Jaime," Cersei stated.

"Aye, I too want to be mistaken for my sister and…"

"That's the best you can come up with that he's handsome he's richer than you he has a bright future," Cersei was smirking with delight

"A bright future of nepotism you mean?"

"He doesn't sell drugs he is not a criminal, and I am quite surprised that you know a word that long."

"Aye, your family's wealth is not bloodstained at all, princess."

She rolled her eyes expressively, "take me home."

"You know this fella?" Euron showed Cersei his phone screen, Bronn at the Pyke with Vic handing him the paper bag and the next photo of Bronn inspecting the ziplock bag in the paper bag.

Cersei was shaking with fury

"Still wanna go home?" he asked hoping she'd say no, he'd washed his sheets and bought a scented candle. She was a classy broad she deserved a scented candle at least.

"Yes. I have a brother to murder," she said shaking her head in disbelief

* * *

"Will I see you again?" Euron asked as Cersei was stomping towards her house.

"Depends… if they try me as a minor or send me to prison for life for fratricide."

"Cersei…"

"Look Euron, I don't know what's gotten into you, but you were simply lovely tonight. I truly misjudged you. I think we could be very good friends…" It took a lot out of Cersei to be so sincere with someone other than Jaime.

"I was just gonna say if you need someone to marry for conjugal visits, I am your man Luv" he licked his lips and smirked.

"Eat shit, Greyjoy," she scowled, and stormed off. Just when she thought he was a decent human being, he proved he was just a degenerate.

She had gone straight to Jaime's room to confront him. Her anger waned a bit as she examined how present she was in his room. Pictures of her, things she'd made for him, things she'd bought him. A faint smile on her lips.

No. She steeled her heart she had to cling to the anger. She had to confront him.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Jaime and Cersei make up and the Greyjoy and the twins go to the movies!**_

 _ **This chapter is inspired by that pic of Nik and Pilou at the soccer game and someone captioned it "when your sister makes you hang out with her new boyfriend"**_

 _ **Thanks for reading!**_

 _ **For Olivia and the rest of the Euron/Cersei shippers!**_

* * *

After thanking Barristan, Jaime went to Cersei's bedroom, it was opposite his own bedroom.

Jaime arranged pillows on Cersei's bed to make it look like her and covered them with a sheet. He saw a wig that Cersei had worn when she'd played the role of Hera against Robert's Zeus in last year's play of the Labours of Hercules.

He placed that on the bed too. It really did look like her. He put her keys in the souvenir ashtray that said, _**Lannisport... You'll like it a lot.**_

When he entered his room Cersei was on his bed twirling her hair around her fingers

Relief flowed through his body, "Cersei," he said and walked toward her

She put up her hand, "did you put drugs in my car?"

"No, well yes but…" he said

"Did you intend for me to get arrested?"

"I only was trying to help you see..." he sat next to her and took her hand into his.

"You wanted to punish me you wanted me arrested," she accused him.

"No, no, no, no, no. I simply… I only wanted to show you that the Greyjoys..."

"They sold you airfreshner if they'd sold you the real thing I'd be in lockup," she scowled.

"It I…I had a plan," Jaime said defensively.

"No enough," she snapped "you've gone too far."

"And you haven't?" his shoulders slumped.

"What do you mean?" she narrowed her eyes.

"He's a Greyjoy, we Lannisters have a certain pride," he said quoting their father.

"Sod your pride you almost got me nicked. Me, I'm the first female president of the Westeros youth opposition party. Do you know how many girls I destroyed to get here?" Cersei seethed crossing her arms.

"Something's has changed between us Cersei," Jaime pointed out sadly, pulling her hands into his.

"Yes, everything's changed since the shareholders meeting", Cersei agreed.

"I'm sorry. I was going to come to you but you hung up on me."

"You took too long Jaime you always take too long."

"That's why you called him?" jealousy spread through Jaime like wildfire.

"He was there when I needed him," she said freeing her hands from his grasp and walked towards the door.

"How convenient," Jaime scoffed

"What do you mean," Cersei asked suspiciously

"Greyjoy sold me airfreshner maybe just suppose perhaps he called the real cops on you?"

"Why wold he do that Jaime? Is this another one of your idiotic ploys to make me go off him like when you told me that Rhaegar liked brunettes or when you told me Robert got some girl..."

"Same reason I did it, he wanted to be your hero," Jaime said softly cutting her off. Jaime wasn't being entirely honest, he wanted to punish her at the same time for choosing to get involved with Euron Greyjoy of all people. He was not stupid, he was lacking motivation, so when an opportunity presented itself to kill two birds with one stone he lunged. He'd calculated that a fake detention and the relief of being rescued by him would balance the scales and return them to normalacy.

"Oh my lord." She looked skywards hands clasped, "the two of you belong together, you look like me he wouldn't even notice the difference."

"Cersei," Jaime began, he knew that he was in the wrong and that he'd have to make it up to her, perhaps through bribery, that always worked. He received a higher allowance from father which he spent on her anyway. Yes, he'd buy her something, two of something since she was the greediest person that he knew.

"The two of you insufferable gits have so much in common, both of you want to ruin my life. Well guess what if anyone's going to ruin my life, it's me. Goodnight," she said sourly and dramatically exited his bedroom long blonde hair bouncing.

* * *

Cersei lay in her bed and stared at the canopy over her four poster bed. Was Jaime right? Was Euron the anonymous caller? It was rather convenient that he had shown up as the cops stopped her. Had he orchestrated the whole thing? No the drugs was Jaime's idea.

What would Euron gain? He knew she thought he was scum, he knew their arrangement was for Jaime to pay her attention. Surely Greyjoy wasn't stupid to think she would ever lower her standards low enough to consider dating him? He was smart. Maybe he was too smart?

She screamed in her pillow. She twisted and tossed and then stared up again, she tried to meditate. She failed miserably her mind was at war.

Cersei was so angry that her left eye twitched. If there was no peace for her there should be none for Jaime. She picked up the vase of fresh cut flowers in her room. She dumped the flowers in the trash and walked into Jaime's room and dumped the water on his face.

He spluttered and thrashed in alarm, she looked down at him and then shook her head before she turned away and stalked back to her room.

* * *

On Sunday morning, Cersei slept in, she wasn't the heir, all she had to do was look pretty when the family went to the Sept. Tywin would expect them to be on their best behaviour. Tyrion the lucky bastard got to stay home, Cersei often feigned all sorts of illnesses to stay home but when she realised she'd be home alone with the wrong brother she would miraculously recover from her ailments and rush out into the waiting car.

All the maids were talking about how the lord Jaime had wet the bed last night, it made Cersei smile to herself as she walked past the laundry.

Today was no different, apart from the alleged bedwetting, Jaime had been woken up at 5 am for his early morning training with Father, uncle Kevan and cousin Lancel.

Cersei checked her Westeros Society Today app. She had her own tag. There was nothing new, the last news was about her accompanying aunt Genna to some dull Frey affair, Cersei and Jaime had kept each other company. So the almost arrest hadn't been picked up. She had a few hours to make herself look pretty, it wasn't much of a challenge.

* * *

Jaime and Bronn met for a quick fencing lesson, as Tywin and Kevan retired to Tywin's study to speak about Kevan's children's future in the family business. Lancel tagged along with Bronn and Jaime but he was looking around hoping to see Cersei. Bronn was laughing so hard that he was wiping his eyes with his gloves.

"I am going to get dressed for the Sept," Lancel said as soon as he saw Cersei at her window. Jaime and Bronn didn't even acknowledge Lancel.

"Have you heard of reverse psychology," Bronn asked Jaime

"Is that when the psychiatrist becomes a patient?" Jaime asked

"No you dumb cunt, its when you tell an immature and stubborn person that they can't do something and they feel compelled to do it."

"Ohh," Jaime exclaimed

"The more you tell your sister she can't do something the more she wants to do it, isn't that how she got involved in politics?" Bronn asked, since all Jaime did was talk about Cersei he felt like he knew her as well as he knew his pupil.

She had been livid Jaime shook his head remembering how furious Cersei had been she had gone in to volunteer to be an intern and they had offered her the position of the tea lady.

He smiled and thought back to the day she had come home with her first friend that she had made after Melara.

Jaime knew how eager Cersei had been to join the Westeros opposition party. She and Jaime had been up all night, he would quiz her on political and current affairs and ask her about the history of the party. There were intern positions for Treasurer, Vice President and President available.

Cersei had told him that they had smiled patronizingly at her. They did not even look at her resume they didn't even let her finish telling them her full name.

She told Jaime that she had said that she wasn't going to be a tea lady for them they had told her that arrogance and pride had no place in politics and that there was no shame in serving.

She had been sent to the women's wing of the opposition party. She spent two hours with them, all they did was drink and talk about their affairs. If she had wanted that, she would have gone to Aunt Genna's "book club."

She told Jaime how crest-fallen, she had been when she walked past the Young Opposition Party's office. She had paused when she saw a portrait of her father. He was holding a trophy. She spotted a hunched over thin boy, his head in a book.

According to his sister the boy had looked up from his book and asked if Cersei was lost.

What Cersei had said to the boy, when she looked around the room, was imprinted in Jaime's mind, she had, said "No, I am not lost, I am finally where I am supposed to be. I am Cersei Lannister," she had said.

Cersei had told Jaime, the boy was well read and terribly old fashioned that he had a weird name Qyburn, and that he had kissed her hand, when she had held it out for a greeting.

Jaime had smiled at Cersei in amusement but he was imagining himself strangling this Qyburn for being so forward with his sweet sister. Cersei had told Jaime the boy was strange like a human version of a snail.

Jaime could picture Cersei's blissful face as she told him that joining the youth wing of the opposition party was one of the best decisions she had ever made.

"So you are saying I should give Cersei my approval and blessing to date that… that…" Jaime swallowed hard, "that rascal?"

"Your sister resurrected the youth opposition party because they said she wasn't fit to be in politics, what then you dumb twat do you think she will do if you tell her she can't see her salty lordling?

Jaime sighed, "I will be a gentleman and make a friendly grand gesture."

"That's the spirit, she's probably doing it for attention, look at me good girl gone bad."

"My sister has never been a good girl," Jaime pointed out

"You know what I mean though she's always got to be the centre of attention."

Jaime shrugged Cersei was the centre of his world why shouldn't she have his attention? If she wanted his attention she should just ask she needn't go to tis trouble. He hoped Bronn was right he didn't want Cersei with the Greyjoy.

* * *

Jaime and Cersei sat up straight and behaved like the aristocrats they were through the service. When it was over they orderly walked out behind Tywin. Cersei was trying to get a glimpse of Rhaegar. She just kept seeing Lancel everywhere she turned. She then saw Robert Baratheon and Jon Arryn together. She turned her head quickly, she hated Robert he was a thorn in her side, the fates kept throwing them together. He was her strongest opponent in the Youth Opposition party.

"Breathe," Jaime reminded her, taking her by the elbow

Cersei smiled at him then caught herself she was cross with him, she yanked her arm away from him.

When Tywin was stopped by Grand Maester Pycelle for some sucking up, the twins hung back, Cersei hated the dithering old fool. Thankfully Uncle Kevan and Lancel were approaching Tywin, Pycelle was already moving away.

"I have reserved seats for us at the movie theatre," Jaime told Cersei, gently pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Hah! I am not going anywhere with you," she told him pushing his hand away, it felt nice and warm and she missed the physical contact she had with her twin, "I might get arrested."

"I have invited Greyjoy to join us."

"I beg your pardon?" she asked mouth hanging open

"If he is to be a part of your life I should like to get to know him," Jaime had rehearsed this with Bronn, it had taken a lot of practice to actually be able to say the words without seething with fury.

"What's brought this on, then?" Cersei asked suspiciously

"I know what you are like when thwarted and I know I was stupid and I am sorry. This is my apology. The film will be my treat. I shall be a proper gentleman, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt."

Cersei just stared at Jaime, "what?" she asked blinking

"Is this not where you jump into my arms and say thank you?" He smiled at her eyes soft and shining with emotion.

"It is an apology, I can accept or reject it. There is no reason for me to reward you for a deserved apology," she informed him haughtily, with an eyebrow raised.

"Very well," he bowed deeply, "I am sorry I jeopardised your standing in your political ambitions. I have been a bad brother. I shall endeavour to be more supportive and attentive."

Cersei tried to stop the smile forming on her lips.

"I accept," she told him reaching for him, she so loved his embraces, they say home was not always a place it was a person, she agreed home was Jaime's arms.

"When you smile like that I can forget what a poisonous spiteful and truly terrifying bitch you are," Robert told Cersei. Jaime and Cersei's hug was aborted, nothing ruined her mood as much as a Baratheon, they all had a negative impact on her moods. Mostly Robert but that was another story.

"Sod off Bobby B!" she told him and dragged Jaime after her, to where Lancel was waiting for them at their car, she never could stay mad at Jaime for long. Yes she loved politics but she loved Jaime more.

* * *

He was late. Cersei checked her Patek Phillppe watch, she was fuming. "I am going inside you two bloody well come in when you…" Cersei trailed off when she heard laughter

"I thought you was 'avin me on Brother, had I known you weren't pulling me leg I would have been on time!"

As soon as he was within arms reach the Cinema security stepped forward, Euron turned to them menacingly

"Jaime! Do something," Cersei urged

"He is unfortunately with us," Jaime said, "though I wish the opposite were true."

Jaime, Cersei whacked him with her clutch purse, another gift from Jaime.

The security guards not fully convinced took a step away

"Oi beautiful give us a kiss?"

Cersei plastered a fake smile on her face, "oh, look at the time we should get to our seats."

"The tickets?" Jaime asked Euron

"Ordered em online just like you told me Brother," he handed Jaime a crumpled piece of paper with food and round glass stains. Jaime took the paper gingerly.

"Thank you," Jaime said politely, Aunt Genna had spent hours with him and Cersei teaching them manners and courtesy.

Jaime was about to take Cersei's arm when Euron barrelled past him

"Scuse me brother," he said shoving Jaime aside, and draped his arm around Cersei's, "Oi, you smell nice."

"It's called bathing you should try it," she said pulling away

"Shall I get us some refreshments?" Jaime asked

"Yes," Cersei said with glee, "the usual."

"No, your sister is all the refreshment I need."

Cersei suppressed a shudder

"Oh and a tenner."

Jaime handed the note to Euron.

When Euron didn't move to the refreshments counter, Jaime asked looking at Euron expectantly, "what are you going to buy with that?"

"A lager later at the pub," Euron burped.

Jaime looked at his sister who just shrugged, "don't embarrass him he has no money," she hissed at Jaime

"Oh, very well," Jaime said and turned to the cashier

The cashier stood up taller and smiled prettily at Jaime batting her eyelashes.

"Stupid girl as if she's his type," Cersei said scornfully.

"Aye, his type is standing next to me."

"Oh do shut up you wanker," Cersei snapped.

* * *

Euron had herded Cersei towards the front of the line kicking shins and stepping on people's toes, Jaime had all of Cersei's snacks with him and while he was nimble he was burdened and could not keep up.

"Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are?" Euron asked her as they had settled into their seats.

"Yes, anyone and everyone who has ever met me," Cersei informed him.

"Oh," Euron trailed off, he had never ever failed with that line before.

Cersei craned her neck _**where was Jaime?**_

Euron fake yawned and tried to stretch his arm over Cersei's seat.

She flung it back at him, "I know you called the real cops."

His eyes widened in surprise

"Keep your criminal hands to yourself. Besides it is for solely Jaime's benefit. If he is not in sight don't ever touch me."

Chastened Euron stared ahead.

Jaime had settled in next to Cersei, she was impressed and pleased as he handed her drinks and her snacks. She completely forgot that Euron was her date as she leaned on Jaime and gazed at him, he was so handsome.

Everything was going well, whenever there was a suspenseful scene or scary scene Cersei would shut her eyes and Jaime would tell her when it was over so that she could opened her eyes, and she snuggled closer to him. She was almost dozing off when the cinema Usher informed Jaime that he was in the wrong seat and he would have to move.

Jaime had tried to convince the usher and the movie goer next to Cersei that there was some mistake then he heard Euron chuckle. Jaime admitted defeat and was lead to a seat in the row in front of Euron and Cersei.

Jaime kept looking back. Cersei had her hands folded in her lap, Euron had his legs spread, one arm around Cersei and the other one around what was a drink flask. It was against the law to bring alcohol into the cinema

To Jaime's shock and disgust, Euron offered Cersei the flask, she took a sip and handed it back to her boyfriend.

Jaime was angrily processing this information when a man in the movie was shot in the head and a woman screamed

"What a fucking dumb cunt!" Euron exclaimed before laughing obnoxiously. Every time someone died he would guffaw, Jaime was suddenly very glad not to be sitting anywhere near the most hated man in the cinema. _**Poor Cersei**_ , he thought smugly.

Jaime felt ill when there was a sex scene, he felt very uncomfortable looking at women's naked bodies. The actress's breasts filled the entire screen.

"Don't you fret, I prefer your tits, they're a work of art designed by god himself." Euron assured Cersei loudly.

Cersei choked on her drink.

"Oh excuse me moi," Euron said and answered his phone. "yeah? Ah uh. Nah but yeah. Double it." He paused, "So so."

Someone shushed Euron

"Who did that?" Euron asked standing up. When no one owned up, Euron laughed maniacally "Yeah I thought so," he said triumphantly and sat down "nah I can talk, go on."

Cersei sank lower in her seat covering her face with her hand.

Euron had excused himself, bumping people's tubs of popcorn out of their grasps and stepping on toes. He then came back, using his phone's camera shining it in everyone's direction, calling out Cersei's name. He was holding a brown paper bag. She reluctantly raised her arm.

"Ah there she is, my love, the light of my life," he exclaimed and once again disturbed everyone in his haste to get to her.

"You cannot be serious!" Cersei hissed, alcohol was fine she had mints but shade of the night? In a public place was he mad? Yes he was, clearly as was she for fake dating him.

"Relax sweetheart, it's just a snack," Cersei screwed up her nose as she smelled and saw hot fish and chips in her date's lap.

"You cannot eat that in here sir," an usher told Euron shining a flashlight into Euron's face

Euron flipped open his switchblade, (it was against the law to carry a concealed weapon) and scratched his cheek with the blade, "I can't do what?"

The usher scurried away in fear.

"Pussy," Euron said rolling his eyes as Cersei cringed as he ate his fish and chips. Cersei noted with dread, that aunt Genna's arthritic Bearded Collie Walder ate more quietly and with more grace than Euron did.

Jaime had tolerated Euron thus far but when he put his feet up on the back of Jaime's seat, the Greyjoy had just gotten on the Lannister heir's last nerve

"Kindly remove your feet from my seat," Jaime said through his gritted teeth

"Brother are you here to watch the movie or me feet? Stop making a scene these people paid good money to watch the film."

When the lights came on Cersei blinked and disentangled herself from Euron's arm, she had sometime towards the end of the movie had looped her arm around his and held his hand. She wished she could yell at Jaime for picking a zombie movie.

"Now or never," Euron told her as Jaime got up.

She turned to him, "Very well, make it good, just one kiss," she told him putting up a finger to ensure he did not try funny business, he grinned and lazily leaned over

"God you smell like tartare sauce," she complained pushing his face away.

"Come now, princess, you promised. A Lannister always pays their debts," he reminded her

"Very well," she conceded, as Jaime had made his way into their row, "you get one kiss, make it count," she warned Euron.

Euron cupped Cersei's cheek as she popped a mint in her mouth

"Let's go," Jaime said suddenly pulling Cersei away before she and Euron could kiss

"I thought," Jaime began, he was aware that the other patrons were watching, he did not intend to make a scene but it he could no longer keep it inside.

It was a disgrace on their name and on his sister to be around such an ogre. No he would put an end to this. Reverse psychology be damned. Cersei was ambitious she would do well to marry someone who was equal or higher in the Westerosi Aristocracy. No Cersei would not be foolish enough to be charmed by the rogue. Cersei oft scoffed at young girls in books, movies and on the telly who lost themselves in bad boys she called them stupid simpering naïve lovesick little fools. Cersei had always to his confusion been fixated on the fathers of the bad boys.

"Not really what you do best brother, maybe leave the thinking to your better half?" Euron suggested from behind Cersei.

Jaime clenched his fists as he for a moment, appreciated how well Cersei and Euron looked together, much better than how she looked when she was paired off with Robert during their black tie events. No, he would never accept this.

If Cersei had to be with someone, it would be someone that Jaime could respect and someone Jaime would aspire to be. The only man he would ever accept Cersei to be with Jaime decided was, Rhaegar Targareyen and since he was to wed Elia Martell, which effectively meant that there was absolutely no man in the world worthy enough to hold his sister's hand.

"I thought I could accept this, but no. I forbid you to see this cretin ever again is that understood?" Jaime asked towering over Cersei. "You will cease all contact after today."

"You are not Father, you cannot tell me what to do!" Cersei said shoving Jaime and storming out.

"Yeah," Euron echoed nodding at Jaime with a smirk and followed Cersei out.

* * *

"That was such good acting," Cersei told Euron, "for a moment I thought he was going to leave us be and truly accept that I could ever be interested in someone like you. You acted like an uncivilised hooligan. I've not seen such good acting since my aunt Genna swore she did not shag the gardener last Christmas!"

Euron frowned, "I was not acting."

"You… mean that is how you usually conduct yourself in public?" Cersei asked

"Pretty much," Euron told her.

"Well good job, keep it up," she patted his shoulder, as she looked at Jaime who was glowering at the both of them. She took a step towards Jaime, who reacted immediately walking towards her, Jaime always meeting her more than half way.

"Should you not come with me? After all you did walk out on him for me."

"No, he's a delicate boy, we must not torment him too much too soon. He might break."

Euron liked the sound of that, "we".

"I shall call you if we need to remind him of what a danger you are to a sweet innocent girl such as myself, farewell," she said brushing her lips against his cheek.

 **The end?**

 **Any requests? Let me know =)**


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks so much for making it to chapter 4!

 _ **Trigger warning: Euron and Cersei are planning on fat shaming/slut shaming/online/digital bullying because they are assholes who love revenge.**_

 _ **Also Cersei and Euron in a tiny shower.**_

 _ **References to 7.07 Jaime/Cersei scene**_

Today felt like it would be a good day for the eldest child of Tywin Lannister. The sun was shining, everything was golden, just the way Cersei preferred it. She had inspected herself in the mirror almost two dozen times before exiting her bedroom. By the look of adoration on Jaime's face it was worth it, even that little shit Tyrion told Cersei that she looked pretty, he had the nerve to look surprised. Not that his opinion mattered, not truly. She was dressed in a beautiful white summer dress with red flames at the hem, if you looked closer the flames were lions roaring. She had on strappy red shoes. Aunt Genna had told her that she must only wear pink lip gloss and that only shameless hussies wore red lipstick. Today she was a shameless hussy and she wore red lipstick, fire engine red.

Cersei sat in the designated wives and girlfriends box. Tywin and the other Lannisters sat in the family box. Cersei was the youngest in the box and the only one who wasn't meant to be there. Then again when your father owned the team and half of the team were your cousins and the captain was your own twin brother why would you sit anywhere else?

Cersei wasn't used to being told no by anyone. Until and of course she met Robert Baratheon and The King rejected her on his son's behalf.

Cersei cheered and clapped louder than the other women in the box and to their chagrin her ridiculous hat obstructed their view of their boyfriends and spouses. The boyfriends and husbands of the players decided to sit in the general crowd not wanting to be near Cersei or the other members of the head Lannister family who sat regally in the family box.

It was to no one's surprise but Cersei's when someone emptied their drink on her she had gasped. She told herself that she was imagining it; she even convinced herself that it felt nice. She had subtly looked around but no one looked guilty. She as Tywin Lannister and Joanna Lannister's eldest child and an example to women and girls everywhere sat still after hours of Aunt Genna's tutelage in courtesy she could endure anything. She accepted that it was a mistake no one would dare, especially these dumb women with no ambition. Who even married or attached themselves this young? Then it happened again. She pursed her lips, she would endure it was for Jaime. He would do the same for her; he even took her and Euron to the cinema. It was worth it, for Jaime. Do it for Jaime she continued to cheer and flipped her hair as she stood up and clapped.

* * *

When it was half time, she made her way to the changing rooms with as much dignity as she could muster up. She had heard snickers she would pay all those bitches back. She could feel each and every stream of the sticky sweet soft drink, now a warm trickle tickle down her skin and get absorbed in her once pretty and pristine dress. It was now destroyed, white and muddy brown. People might think she had soiled herself. She needed to get out of sight and quick.

She walked as quickly as she could in her red strappy sandals she smiled and nodded past people and then burst into the locker room.

"Jaime?" she called out placing her hat on a bench, there were so many blondes, so many attractive boys all looking at her. She didn't pay them any mind, where was her brother?

He appeared, confused, shirtless in his rugby shorts.  
"What the seven devils?" he asked "Who did this?" he placed his hands on her shoulders

She sniffled and her eyes swelled with unshed tears for added effect.

He looked behind her and pulled her deeper into the changing room.

"You can wear my clothes, there's hot water here but," he was saying but she cut him off.

"Those bitches were beastly to me, Jaime." She sniffled again, widened her eyes, "they ruined my dress jealous cows."

"Cersei you cannot be in here you're distracting the lads," Tywin said clipboard in hand, checking his watch.

Cersei looked down her wet white dress was clinging to her. She wanted to roll her eyes and tell her father the boys should be thanking her and maybe they would be motivated to win the game.

"Yes Lord Father just a moment with Jaime, please."

Tywin nodded and turned to his cubs, a few brave lads tried to catch a glimpse of Cersei's shapely form under her dress. However it was as if Tywin's gold flecked almost luminous eyes could see the sin and desire in his player's eyes, it just wasn't worth incurring Lord Tywin's wrath, the cubs made an additional effort to listen to him and not look at his daughter.

"I don't suppose you could take me home to change I have another dress you will love," she smiled at Jaime reaching for his hand, "we'll be back soon no one will even notice you are gone!"

"Cersei... "Jaime began

"Fine! I hope you lose!" she hissed and slipped on her dark glasses and jammed her hat on her hair. She pulled out her phone.

* * *

"Yello?" the sleepy voice asked

"It is almost noon you unproductive worm are you still not awake?"

"I was... Who is this? Oh your majesty, what is it do you require of your humble Servant?" Euron Greyjoy's sleepy drawl took on a more mischievous tone.

"Just shut up and come pick me up from the Rugby Stadium at the Twins."

Cersei threw her hat in a trash can and put on her helmet slapping away Euron's hands, "I am quite capable," she informed him.

"To the Manor?" he asked, referring to Casterly Rock Manor, arms crossed over his chest, he was wearing his leather jacket and leather gloves.

"No... I cannot stand feeling so grimy. I need to clean up, as soon as humanly possible."

"There's showers in there," he nodded towards the stadium

"After seeing the inside of the ladie's loo at the Pyke I am never going into another public bathroom again unless it is a country club or an equally respectable establishment."

"The silence?" He asked

"You mean floating excuse for a house boat sure," she said shrugging her shiny golden shoulders

"She's my home my love I restored her with my two hands," Euron said slightly offended.

"It shows," she said with a genuine smile.

He preened.

"Such shoddy work I'm surprised it hasn't sunk."

Euron looked at the girl on his bike and shook his head

"Whatever you have to say, save it, I am not in the mood, I have some bitches who need to be taken care of."

"Is your brother one of them?" He asked putting on his helmet

"I like you better when you don't speak."

"You know my mouth can be put to better uses." He raised his eyebrows.

"Just take me to your home before I change my mind," his clumsy attempts at flirting were getting harder to ignore he had a quick mind, or he was always horny. Both could be put to use she mused.

* * *

Euron followed Cersei to the boat after parking his bike. She waited for him outside the door.

"Key," she asked holding out a hand

He just poked the door it opened

"You just leave your door unsecured?" she asked in wonder

"Tell me, gorgeous do you see anything worth sealing?"

"No she conceded but what if someone planted evidence in here and tried to get you arrested for something you didn't do?"

He shrugged "Why worry about something that's never happened? What happened to you? Pissed off the tuck shop ladies?"

"I need to shower," she informed him

"Shower's through there," Euron pointed her to his bathroom

He settled down on his bed/couch and pulled open a beer and switched on the telly.

"I need a towel," she said hand on a hip.

"Here," he said reaching over to pulled the table cloth off the small table upsetting the salt and pepper shakers and the marmalade jam jar.

She was about to tell him that she wanted a real towel shook her head and like a well raised Lannister accepted the proffered substitute for a towel. She stepped into the shower and pulled the door shut

She undressed peeling the sticky dress off her skin. She spotted shower slippers she debated what was less toxic, his slippers of his shower tiles. It was cleaner than the Pyke Loo. She pulled the toilet seat down and left her knickers and bra on it. She stepped into the shower box. She saw a Johnson no tears baby shampoo and conditioner she giggled Euron was a big baby. She replaced the bottle. Cersei tried the shower knobs the hot opened easily she turned it low and tried the cold water since the hot water was too hot on its own.

She grunted it wouldn't move. She tried with both hands. The hot water was now scalding. "Fuck!" she hissed. She was just about to yell for Euron when she realised that she wasn't alone as a hand snaked past her.

"It's a sticky bugger this one," he said as he with a magician's grace twisted the cold water knob spraying them both with water.

"Get out!" she shrieked "I'll give you a sticky head wound!" she threatened him.

What was Surprising was not his appearance in the cramped shower box but how he managed to avoid any skin contact with her.

"Relax luv, no touching unless dear old Jaime is in the room but from this angle you could almost pass for your brother."

Cersei wondered for the thousandth time why she chose the Greyjoy to make Jaime jealous. " _Because_ ," her aunt's voice spoke in her mind, _"he gets on your nerves he is a fucking cocky filthy Greyjoy. No one better for a quick dirty romp my dear. Trust me."_

"Get the fuck out!" she said and threw his shampoo bottle at him

"I promise I did not come in here for a peek I brought you some clothes."

"Thank you," she said glaring at him over her shoulder, Aunt Genna did tell her to always accept whatever was given and always say thank you even if you don't mean it.

* * *

She slipped on the green summer dress it had white flowers on it. It was a bit loose on her and a bit too long but it was clean and it was pretty. She admired herself in the mirror, the red lipstick was still as bright as this morning. It paired better with the green dress than the white.

"This had better not give me greyscale, " Cersei told him sitting down next to him

"You'd be the cutest girl with grayscale in the world, " he told her turning his attention to her. His predictability in finding ways to compliment her was oddly comforting.

"Not Harry's I take it?"

"Aye, "he replied turning to the telly

"whose dress is it?" she asked not finished with the conversation

He picked up the remote and hummed turning up the volume.

She walked around the room and found an old faded tshirt it said **krakens**

"Did your family have a rugby team too?" She asked looking at the tshirt

"Yeah went bankrupt." Your Lord father had something to do with it he didn't add.

* * *

They watched telly for a while. Euron had ordered food and drinks for them.

Cersei sniffled, watching the as against her better judgement she started paying attention to the TV show.

"Aww want me hanky?" Euron asked Cersei looking at her eyes big and blue

"No i'm fine," she shook her head pulling a cushion to her chest

"Yer crying luv have ye never watched a soapie before? "

"I'm not crying... I'm Allergic." Aunt Genna said tears were a woman's best weapon were her tears and the one between her legs, but words and smiles worked just as well on the Greyjoy.

"To what? Normal human emotions?"

"Dust," she said sniffling.

She did watch soapies with aunt Genna, cheering on all the wicked women.

After their meal of fish and chips and beer for him and Pear cider for her, the two were still watching the telly. By this time Cersei was yelling at the characters while Euron was watching her with mirth.

Cersei turned to Euron when her favourite character got shot.

"But…" she sputtered "she was pregnant how could he leave her? She had three children with him! He just walked away! He's off to fight for the people who want to kill his pregnant wife? I just can't…"

"She did scheme with the other bloke, that criminal one, behind her husband's back…" Euron pointed out

"Still they buried three children they love each other. He should not have walked away from her! Did he not say that they were the only ones who are left the only ones who matter!"

"She tried to behead him Luv." Euron couldn't help but defend the deserter husband, the actor was gorgeous.

"She didn't go through with it. He left her alone pregnant and defenceless. Even if she lives her child will die. It's not fair!"

"It happens luv, bad girls live fast die young."

" **They** should die young," she muttered

"What's that sunshine?"

"Those bitches who ruined my dress and made me miss Jaime's game they should die."

"That's a bit drastic no?"

"No. Okay maybe a social death," she said," live fast die young? If I am to die young I have a lot of work to do. Do you have a computer?"

He nodded and knelt by her feet, she liked seeing him on his knees. He slid his switchblade under the boards and pulled out a garbage bag. He ripped it apart and handed her a sleek laptop, she took it into her hands and watched him retrieve a power cord for the laptop and connected it to the power board behind the telly

"And you still don't lock your boat?"

"Doubt anyone could find my goodies, Luv."

He replaced the floorboard and opened another beer.

"Password?" she reminded him as she sat down at the tiny table that faced the kitchenette and her back was to the door and the telly.

"Rightio," he said and reached over her and typed something complicated, again there was no touching at all. She leaned in and he leaned away. She did love obedient house pets. Gregor was the same but different, he never spoke and she wished Euron would just shut the fuck up.

She started writing the names of the girls on a notepad Euron gave her as she looked at the photos from today's game.

"That one looks familiar," he murmured over her shoulder, a drop of condensation from his beer dropping on her shoulder.

"Personal space," she pushed his face away, with her perfectly manicured soft hand.

"Ah," he said with a smile "I remember her from camp."

"What kind of camp?" she asked

"Here," he said pulling up a weight loss boot camp website

"You went here?" she asked looking at him skeptically she'd seen him naked, he had no body fat.

"Yeah no one's more eager to let you into their knickers than a fat girl once you call her pretty."

"You're taking advantage of girls with self-esteem issues, shame on you." Cersei said self-righteously

"You're manipulating your brother to be your minder when you should be finding yourself a boyfriend… whom you didn't share a womb with."

"Jaime doesn't mind."

"Neither did these girls, they all came back for seconds or thirds. I was doing the public service mind you."

"I don't believe you." Cersei shook her head

"Care for a demonstration?" he asked

"No, absolutely not. Focus." she said. "Anyone else look familiar?"

He pulled up a foldable chair and sat next to her looking at the girl's faces as she told him their names.

"Oh that one she's been cheating on her husband with my mate, the other one yeah she's had some work done and..."

Cersei had made a fake email account under each of the women's names using their nicknames and each email address would send dirt about someone else on her list. They would send the all the dirt Euron had supplied her with to Westeros society pages. He knew quite a bit and what he didn't he called up his contacts. Seedy motels, nurses at plastic surgery offices he had contacts everywhere.

They had collected dirt on every woman in the wives and girlfriend's box, as far as Cersei was concerned they were all complicit and as guilty as each other, they all deserved to suffer.

"Should you not send in some dirt on yourself?"

"What why?" she asked with a head tilt

"They will suspect you if nothing is published about you."

"Oh you silly little squid," she tapped his nose with her pen. "I want them to know it was me. I want them to know that they can't fuck with Cersei Lannister without consequences. How do you think I got as far and high as I have in the Youth Opposition Party? I know they don't love me, they fear me."

"It can't be easy though. Doesn't it get tiring plotting and playing these mind games." He plucked the pen from her hand and to her disgust started chewing on it.

His tongue and mouth were never still and his eyes how could she forget his crazy eyes, he was comically animated.

"Politics is a game, you play to win or you die, there's no middle ground," she distracted him with a smile, held his hand with one hand and removed the offending pen with another.

"Surely someone like you could find a middle ground, a compromise?" He threaded his fingers with hers she watched his hands, unlike Robert's sweaty hands, his hands were warm and dry, his grip confident and not crushing or possessive.

"It is the Lannister way. Anyone who is not us is an enemy," she raised her eyes to his, "a compromise is still a loss to us Lannisters. "

"Not everyone need be an enemy," he said leaning over slightly, "not every compromise a loss, I'm certain there are win-win situations if the parties are... Creative enough."

"Everyone including my family think I'm stupid," she found herself admitting, "I am afraid I am not the partner in crime you seek," they sat in silence for just a moment while Cersei wondered why she'd shared that with a guy who's emotional depth had two levels horny and horny AND smug. Before he could make any clumsy effort to comfort her she changed the mood of the conversation.

"In any case why not be an enemy when everyone hates us Lannisters? An enemy of my enemy is a friend." She said this lightly but Euron knew it was a test, a test he aimed to pass with flying colours.

"Not everyone hates the Lannisters," he shook his head, "Everyone respects the Lannisters, if they don't love them that is." He was pleased with a ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips she liked his response.

"Only fools don't hate what can destroy them," she scoffed freeing her hand from his

Euron swallowed hard, her voice was like torn silk, he knew there was to be no touching without Jaime present but this was something else. They were working together to ruin her enemies. It was something that was uniquely about the two of them it had nothing to do with Jaime Lannister. Besides she'd touched him.

"Will you destroy me?" he asked, this make Jaime scheme couldn't go on forever.

"No." She shook her head amused at the question. He was surprising. His three main qualities were discretion, intellect and his resourcefulness. She was impressed at her loyalty to her, because of that she was able to overlook his other trait perpetual horniness.

"Why not?"

"You want me to destroy don't you?" She answered with a question of her own.

He chuckled, "maybe a little."

"What's so funny?" she asked grabbing his hand as he shifted away

"Harry said something to that effect, that I only am attracted to wicked insane women who will destroy me. That is the only time I feel alive. That is the only way that I a cockroach could actually die, from rejection."

"Is he right? Why does he think that?" Cersei had met an annoying little bastard named Petyr Baelish, he had told her that information was power. Right now she needed information about her new friend's weaknesses.

"When I'm begging, despairing at the edge of madness, that is my true self. According to Harry that is."

"I thought you do the rejecting," Cersei pointed out. "I mean that's what the toilet stalls implied."

"Nah. I'm here for a good time not a long time luv. If anyone wants a go, I'm game."

"You're a true romantic, Euron," Cersei deadpanned.

He grinned, "there was a girl…"

"There's always a girl," Cersei rolled her eyes. Her name was Lyanna fucking Stark.

"Or a brother in your case," Euron teased.

"Oh do shut up... Actually tell me about her."

"She was a force of nature, a hurricane. Loyal, loving, generous, she fit in so perfectly with my family and then she did the unimaginable."

"What?" Cersei asked Euron was shameless and as dirty minded as she was she but wasn't sure she could match his depravity. Also, the girl sounded like her a little, she needed to know that girls like her could have happy ever afters.

"She matched my storm."

Revenge forgotten Cersei turned to the Greyjoy, "Where is she? What happened?" Who knew the horny kraken was a romantic?

"She left."

"That's it. You're a terrible story teller. You didn't look for her?"

"I did, she sent her sisters to tell me to stop looking for her. She was my Cinderella she…"

"I wish I had a sister," Cersei said petulantly, cutting Euron off

"You do, well he acts like a sister."

"Stop it, Jaime is…" Cersei jumped up to Jaime's defence.

"You owe me a kiss," Euron was grateful she had changed the subject but, greedy and horny was his general state when it came to Cersei Lannister.

"What?" Cersei wasn't one to have unpaid debts lying around.

"At the cinema you owe me a kiss."

"Oh I think you've forgotten how this works."

"Remind me."

"Uh you me this isn't real," Euron was vexing her, they were supposed to kiss to make Jaime jealous, no Jaime no kiss. How hard was that to understand?

"Would it really be that bad if it were? Is being happy such a…:"

"You and make **me** happy oh that's rich." Cersei was amused at his cockiness.

"I **have** made you laugh, sweetness."

"In disbelief. Don't reach for the stars you're a mad hungry dog, just be satisfied with what you have."

"Which is what?" He asked

"You agreed to help, to be my pretend boyfriend."

"That was before."

"Before… what?"

"Before," he said taking her hand

"Oh!" she exclaimed yanking her hand back

"Hear me out…"

"No, let's go over this again okay, slowly that even you can follow," she said

"Cersei, ever since we met I have felt this connection with you, do you never feel that we've met before? That together we could truly be…"

Cersei, was about to say something insulting when the events of last Christmas, flooded her mind, a horrifying thought that she refused to acknowledge reared its ugly head. She liked to pretend last Christmas never happened but right now she felt very unhinged and was about to agree with him. There was something about him. Something almost familiar, they were so wrong together that it almost seemed right?

"Shame on you!" Jaime said snatching the laptop away

"Jaime give that back" Cersei demanded, Euron forgotten.

"Cersei you cannot simply call him whenever you are cross with me."

"Why not?" she asked, "I needed help."

"With what? Destroying people's lives because they spilled some cola on you? There's body shaming and slut shaming in here Cersei. I didn't expect you to stoop this low. Some of these women are going to be mothers to our nieces and nephews. Cersei…"

"We are the only ones who matter Jaime…"

"Call Gregor next time you need something. Get your things lets go."

Cersei went into the cramped bathroom to change, she didn't put up a fight, she knew as the target of tabloid rumours herself, she knew she ought to feel bad for what she and Euron had almost done. She didn't. Jealous heifers she thought to herself.

Her eye caught a tag sewn into the dress _**falia flowers**_

She googled the name and up came a picture of Euron and Falia kissing and hugging on her facebook page, she was gorgeous. Putting a name to the girl, the girl who's dress he was wearing. She really hated dark haired girls right now. If he thought she was ever going to seriously go with him, Euron had just blown his chances for good. She looked at Falia's facebook account feed, it hadn't been updated for almost a year.

* * *

"For the record I don't know what my sister sees in you," Jaime looked down at Euron

"You have photographic proof of what your sister sees in me if you want a refresher. I'm happy to oblige," Euron smirked his hand heading to his nether regions.

"This twisted infatuation she has with you, it won't last," Jaime told Euron

"Live fast die young," he shrugged with a devilish look he leaned in Jaime stood his ground "I must say little lordling your sister so much more adventurous than you braver too I wager. The stamina that girl has could put a triathlete to shame."

Jaime counted back from 10 in his head. Aunt Genna had given him some advice.

" _Use your wits not your fists Jaime. Your sister like your mother will no doubt attract all sorts of trouble. React if you must but with words. Your money power and influence will mean fuck all if you're in jail."_ _  
_ _"Then what do you propose I do, aunt Genna? I shan't be able to protect my sister if boys do not fear me."_ _  
_ _"Weigh up their sins and their insults and when the time is right, you're a Lannister my boy, you are the heir to the Lannister legacy, pay them back."_ _  
_ _"How?" Jaime had asked. Jaime had felt so helpless and hopeless when some boy had teased Cersei by cutting off one of her pig tails. She had cried, red in the face, thrashing at anyone and everyone. She was screaming for justice. When the boy was punished she had finally smiled and stopped crying._ _  
_ _"Amass what all your enemies want or need. Pretend to be their friend and when they have need of you heed them not. Betrayal my boy that is the true forbidden fruit. But be careful you can only do this once so make it count."_ _  
_

Jaime was certain the Greyjoy would not call the authorities. He'd weigh the bastard's sins another time, after the movie debacle he couldn't resist anymore. When he punched Euron the Ironborn boy doubled up. Jaime worried for moment when Euron wheezed and started making strange sounds.

Jaime relaxed when he realised that the descendant of pirates was laughing.

"Nice one brother, you're planning me bachelor's party," he said grabbing Jaime's hand and hoisted himself upright and after waddling over to the couch, he collapsed on it with a groan, he turned his attention to the telly and switched the channel

Cersei slipped on Jaime's Casterly Lions track suit pants and hoodie and exited the bathroom. Jaime had gotten her fresh undies her favourite bra and even a hair tie he was so considerate. Not like any other boy on earth.

"You can keep the dress, Luv, looks good on you," Euron told Cersei, swivelling his head around as soon as she exited the bathroom.

She threw it at him, "looks better on Falia, don't give me second hand shit, you arsehole."

"Falia?" Jaime asked

"Don't ask," She said pushing a confused Jaime out before her

Euron picked up his phone and dialled falia's new number, Harry had given him Falia's number as a test to see if Euron was serious about being over Falia, he had not rang her till now.

"Euron?" A woman's voice asked after 45 seconds of silence after the call connected.

He hung up.

* * *

"I think I get it now." Jaime said, looking at Cersei.

"Get what?" she asked

"You two bring out the absolute worst in each other please for the love of the gods. Stop it before it gets too serious."

Cersei's mind wandered back to when Cersei had been 11 Aunt Genna had asked her whether she liked girls or boys she had said Jaime, she liked Jaime.

 **Flashback**

" _Boys then." Genna said, she was pregnant and put her wineglass on the table, "now Cersei, when you grow up boys will want only one thing from you they will tell you all sorts of lies, the chief of all that they love you. Never believe a word of it."_

" _Jaime doesn't lie to me," she had said with a straight face_

" _Sweetheart, you cannot marry Jaime."  
_

 _"Why not?" Cersei asked offended._

" _First of all you're not a targareyn anyway, what I am about to tell you is the most important information you will ever need. For a happy marriage you need someone you can rule over."_

" _Like Jaime," Cersei smiled triumphantly_

 _Genna let out a breath, she pulled Cersei close "no, you're not the boy so why are you so stupid today?"_

" _I hate you!" Cersei screeched_

" _Okay you're definitely the girl. Cersei you need to marry a man stupid enough to believe your lies, strong enough to defend your honour. You must never ever marry for love."_

" _So I can't marry Jaime?"_

" _Yes sweetheart you cannot marry Jaime," Genna was relieved to have made some progress. "If you have to marry if anything marry a man for his money. Do you understand?"_

 _Cersei shook her head. "Mother and father…"_

" _Your mother married your father for his money, his name and his power."_

" _Oh," Cersei looked like she was going to cry._

" _But most of all she broke all our rules and married him because she loved him. You aren't going to be that stupid. She married for love and didn't even live past 30."_

" _If mother married father for love does that means I can marry…"_

" _Cersei I swear to the gods old and new if the next word out of your mouth is Jaime..."_

 _Cersei shook her head obediently_

" _Heed my advice, Cersei, your beauty is your power. Now repeat back to me everything I've told you."_

" _I cannot marry for love or marry Jaime my beauty is my power. I have to choose a rich, stupid but powerful husband."_

" _You're a good student," Genna beamed proudly._

" _Aunt Genna but what about love?" Cersei asked with a pout._

" _Darling, once you marry and learn to rule over your husband you can have as many lovers as you want."_

" _Oh," Cersei exclaimed_

" _Word of advice my girl never pursue a man let him come to you. You don't want to be the one who loves too much. You don't want to be stuck in a love triangle and lose because men are not taught to settle. Never lose your heart to a man who loves you less than you love him.'_

 _Cersei nodded sagely_

Cersei knew that Euron was a little in love with her as was anyone who had ever met her whether they liked to admit it or not. He was a good ally, he had agreed to her stupid plan, he had discovered Jaime's treachery over the drugs, he had helped her today and most of all he was ready to commit crimes against women he barely knew just to make her happy.

If there was one thing that Genna taught her that her father demonstrated was that Lannisters rewarded loyalty and hard work. She would find a way to reward Euron for his loyalty, maybe she would pay him with some of Jaime's allowance.

 _ **Any requests?**_

I had already written chapter 4&5 and then THIS happened. Fear not I have some more Greyjoy shenenigans next chapter. I forgot that Euron was was a drug dealer in this chapter and not a full time stay at home pretend boyfriend ^_^


	5. Chapter 5

_**I've decided that there's no education system in my modern day Westeros only Maesters, Septas, lawyers etc go to schools. Great Houses are meant to educate their kids to take over family business ie crime for Greys and Business for Lanns.**_ _ **  
**_ _ **Genna and Emmon live on an estate half way between The Rock and The Twins. This way Genna can look after Tywin's kids and be close enough to the Twins in case someone is trying to take her children's inheritance away and also vote on her husband's behalf in Frey concerns.**_

* * *

Cersei didn't mind Euron had an ex-girlfriend. However, she would have rather he'd given her something of his than something that belonged to another girl. She had a relationship with Euron, not with this Falia girl, she did not want to think about this other girl or feel indebted that her dress had served her well in her hour of need.

Cersei kept thinking about Falia and all the words used to describe her, didn't she feel that way for Jaime? She looked at Jaime he looked away. What was wrong with Jaime?

It's not like her cared for any of those wretched bitches, why was he punishing her? If he truly did love her why was he ignoring her? He was angry when he saw her ruined dress where was that anger now?

"Lord Father?" Tyrion said bravely

Cersei let out a long suffering sigh and then glared at Tyrion she hated to be reminded that she shared a father and mother with Tyrion. To Cersei's ire, Jaime shot her a disapproving look.

Tywin looked up from his meal.

"I require some assistance in my offering to the Royal Westeros Science Exhibition. I would appreciate some guidance."

"I'll help." Cersei offered seeing Jaime's mouth open to volunteer.

"No!" Jaime and Tyrion protested at the same time

Cersei frowned, surely they weren't going to hold the wildfire volcano against her. Sure, it exploded and sent Aunt Genna into early labour. But it was _**ages**_ ago. Qyburn didn't think it was a big deal.

After dinner Cersei followed the boys up to Jaime's room. Tyrion went in first and Jaime stood at the doorway.

"You can't come in," he told her.

"Truly I can help," Cersei told him reaching for Jaime, he closed the door in her face and locked it.

Cersei slid to the floor and waited, surely he would let her in. This was a misunderstanding. This was Jaime he was her shadow, he couldn't live without her, he would forgive her and let her in.

A few minutes later she heard laughter. They were laughing _**at**_ her. Jaime had betrayed her with tyrion. She picked up her phone and tearfully demanded to be picked up. She packed lightly. Jaime hated her she could no longer bear to be under the same roof as Jaime and be hated by him. She hated being so close to him but feeling an ocean wide distance between them. No, she'd run away that would show him.

* * *

Jaime woke up to see his father walk up the drive. Lord Tywin had his hands behind his back his head low but his shoulders were erect. Jaime heard a car start. Jaime thought nothing of it and went back to sleep not even checking for the time.

When he went to break his fast he saw Tyrion and only Tyrion.

"Brother, where is our Lord Father and our sister?"

"Father went to catch his flight to Lannisport and Cersei well she must still be sleeping as per usual."

Jaime ran up the stairs Cersei's bed was made her phone was gone. Even though Jaime would rather die than take help from Euron he called the disgusting criminal.

"Yello?"

"Is my sister with you?" Jaime felt his throat constrict with every word, his mind was at conflict with what he'd seen with his own two eyes.

"Fuck me mate, be more specific will ya?"

"Cersei, my…" Jaime said softly trailing off, "my sister Cersei." The idea of Cersei having a sexual relationship with Euron was bad enough the idea of Euron being unfaithful to his sister was unthinkable.

"Well of course she's here. Where else would she be?"

Jaime could picture the smug sailor smirking with his innocent sweet naked sister by his side on that cramped disgusting threadbare couch-bed. Cersei deserved better, she slept in a four poster bed. Jaime used to make fun of her saying she was the original princess in the Princess and the pea fairytale. How could she sleep on that flimsy cheap excuse for a bed? How could she bear to spend a moment on that floating rust bucket he called a boat?

Once Cersei had made Aunt Dorna cry by refusing to eat or drink anything that she couldn't google. Dorna had poured Cersei some fresh juice and home made scones and home made jam. Cersei had snootily remarked, "you never knew what these people put into food these days." When Uncle Kevan brought home some processed orange juice, jam and scones from the corner shop, Cersei had refused to eat anything saying she didn't drink anything that poor people could afford. Cersei had not eaten or drank anything at uncle Kevan and Aunt Dorna's home.

Oh god how could Cersei bear Euron's touch? What sort of dark magic had bound his sister to be at the mercy of someone so disgusting?

 _You_ _ **know**_ _how._ A dark voice whispered. _You_ _ **know**_ _what she's like_. She's no lion she's a snake. You know what she did last Christmas.

"I'm coming to get her," Jaime said partly relived and partly repulsed. It was 6.59 am. He had to keep talking to quiet his mind or else he'd relive last Christmas.

"Mate, before you do can you pick us up some rubbers we kinda ran through our stash."

"No!" Jaime seethed this was definitely worse than last Christmas.

"Didn't know you wanted me to marry your sister so bad that you'd have me put my bun in her oven."

"Fine." Jaime agreed

Fucking dumbass couldn't even keep track of his sister. He called Cersei

She picked up he heard a stifled yawn and "Jaime?"

"H…"

"Fuck off piss teeth," she said and hung up.

Euron turned around and went to sleep with a smile on his face.

When the twins had left, Euron had balled Falia's dress as a pillow and slept with it after drinking a 6 pack of corona. Though it was Falia's dress it was Cersei's scent, roses and champagne, or what he imagined champagne smelled like.

* * *

Bronn threw the packet on Condoms at Jaime

Jaime brought out a safety pin, this will teach Euron he thought, he was going to poke holes in the condoms

"Are you literally the dumbest cunt in the world?" Bronn asked with a horrified look on his face

"No… why?" Jaime asked then saw the pin in his hand, "Oh, not a word," Jaime warned Bronn as they drove to Euron's boat

"I don't know what you're so against them, you knew that they're fucking. Unless of course he's her first man then…"

"No he's not," Jaime said with a clenched jaw.

"Who's she been shagging?" Bronn asked eyes as big as saucers. Who on earth had the balls to shag Lord Tywin's daughter? Before marriage to boot. Who was good enough in the arrogant and narcissistic Lannister's eyes apart from Rhaegar?

"None of your business," Jaime frowned, deeply disturbed, had Euron picked her up in the middle of the night? Had Father just walked Cersei over to Euron? Did father actually approve? No, no, no father didn't even approve of Uncle Emmon, no this was impossible. There must be another explanation.

"Bollocks mate, you here again? I should start charging you rent. What are you doing here?" Euron yawned.

Jaime threw the condom packet at his face

"Where's she?" Jaime asked throwing open the bathroom door.

"Who," Euron asked rubbing his eyes. He'd dreamt of a woman with long curly blonde hair drinking wine, laughing and saying, " _This is Stannis Baratheon I'd have better success trying to seduce his horse_ ".

"My. Fucking. Sister," Jaime hissed bringing his face to Euron's.

"Oh fucking hell. I was just pulling your leg mate. I ain't seen her since yesterday." Euron didn't crack a joke the Lannister looked just about ready to murder him.  
"You are despicable," Jaime said and stormed out.

Euron texted Cersei's number.

 _"U ok. Want me to come over?"_ _  
_ _"No."_ _  
_ _"How do I know you're Cersei and not a kidnapper?"_ _  
_ _"Leave me alone this is all your fault! Jaime hates me now. He didn't even look at me. He locked his room, he never locks his room. He no longer cares if I live or die. You are a criminal degenerate. I should never have gotten involved with you. Your fish and chips are as shite as your stupid boat. The night we met was the worst night of my life. I wish I'd never met you. Don't contact me again!"_

The text filled his entire screen.

"That's me girl," he yawned and went back to sleep.

* * *

"Good morning my love."

Cersei smiled happily as aunt Genna's soft but firm embrace enveloped her.

"So what made you miss your auntie so much that uncle Emmon had to come get you in the middle of the night?" Genna Frey knew the girl was lying she didn't come to the Red Estate in the middle of the night because she missed her aunt.

Cersei let out a sigh

"Boy trouble?" Genna asked

Cersei nodded

Genna needed to tread carefully Cersei usually twisted her generic romantic advice to wrap Jaime around her little finger. She would let Cersei do all the talking.

"So this boy he caught me doing something and he's so cross at me he won't even talk to me."

Genna relaxed it wasn't Jaime, he was as rotten, reckless and weak as Cersei and he'd never survive without Cersei's attention.

"What should I do?"

"What do you want him to do? Forgive you?" Genna asked wondering which boy it was, surely not the Clegane or the weird chemist Cersei was always with.  
Cersei frowned, "No I did nothing to warrant begging for forgiveness, I did nothing wrong."

"What did he catch you doing?" Genna asked even though she loved Cersei like the daughter she never had, she was grateful that she had all sons. Sure they weren't as handsome as Jaime or as smart at Tyrion but at least they weren't Cersei.

"I was about to leak some news to the tabloids to get back at these horrid bitches."

"Oh about anyone I know," Genna asked greedily, she loved gossip.

"Uh yeah…" Cersei named the women

Gennas face hardened, Cersei was momentarily terrified, Genna looked like her Lord Father, for a moment.

"You were going to run our family name into the ground? Jaime stopped you?"

"They were beastly to me aunt Genna! Yes Jaime turned out to be a traitor! I don't want to see his face again!" Cersei's eyes watered.

"Enough, get your things we're going to the Rock."

"What? No I don't want to I shan't."

"Cersei be reasonable, your brother has a science exhibition and your father has…"

"Jaime doesn't have anything of the sort," Cersei interrupted

Genna got up, "your other brother Tyrion, we breakfast in 30 minutes, be there Cersei, or I shall have you sorting out clothes at the goodwill for the next week."

Cersei unhappily ate her breakfast with her ugly unremarkable looking cousins while her uncle sat in awe hanging off every word her aunt said. Cersei would rather be single her whole life than have a lacklustre marriage such as theirs.

* * *

When the children were dropped off at the Twins, Cersei swallowed in nervous confusion when Uncle Emmon drove past the Pyke. Cersei wanted to see Euron, but she also didn't want to ever see him again.

When Emmon suggested lunch at the Pyke, Genna's no swallowed Cersei's no.

"Very well," Uncle Emmon said cheerfully driving towards Casterly Rock.

Jaime had just parked his car when he saw Cersei exit Uncle Emmon's car

He was about to stride over and give Cersei a tongue lashing followed by a bone crushing hug when his uncle hailed him.

Jaime watched Genna on the phone rush to the rose garden which was Joanna's pride and joy.

"Jaime be a good lad," Emmon called out "your aunt packed half the house."

Jaime made his way wistfully watching Cersei go to the garden after their aunt.

* * *

"No don't be absurd. It was just a one off thing. Ha. I don't care. Tell my husband but then you have to deal with my brother." Genna was gently running her finger tips over a red rose.

Genna hung up the phone and crushed the rose in her hand sniffling.

"Are you okay?" Cersei asked her aunt

"Allergies sweetheart," she said, "should never have gone to that disgusting fish and chip shop." Genna sighed regretfully.

" **The pyke** ," Cersei asked suspiciously

"Yes, that Greyjoy place."

"Why," Cersei asked kicking away a leaf.

"Fucked a chap in the loo and," she shook her head, "and the worst possible thing has happened."

"Are… are you pregnant? Did you catch something?" Cersei asked

"No, worse. He reckons that he loves me," Genna face palmed

"Uh did he... was he staff?" Cersei asked a stupid smile gracing her features and an embarrassed laugh escaping her lips. _ **Hi, My name is Cersei Lannister and my pretend boyfriend got off with my pretend mother.**_ She was going to be sick was this how Jaime felt last Christmas when she told him she'd lost her virginity. He had just stared at her in shock told her he was disgusted and why couldn't she wait. They'd planned to lose it together jokingly with each other.

That's what you get for getting into bed… she shook her head getting into a business arrangements with a Greyjoy. Oh gods.

"Gods no, Cersei, I have standards. Lannisters are too civilised and classy to fuck a Greyjoy. In fact the only time a lion would fuck a kraken would in a life or death situation." Genna lit up a ciggerette.

Cersei was about to protest saying Genna did not have standards, she had just had her knickers around her ankles in a restaurant toilet...

But where Joanna was a scalpel, precise and subtle Genna was a sledgehammer, Cersei couldn't speak her aunt bulldozed over her.

"No don't judge me Cersei you wanted to marry Jaime no give me some credit."

Cersei was still tense the idea of Genna and Euron together made her feel nauseous.

"Never fuck a Greyjoy in your house they say when you wake anything not nailed down will be gone. Hell they might steal your privates too." Genna laughed boisterously.

Cersei wondered if it was orange juice her aunt had for breakfast and not a screwdriver.

"It was a copper, a fake copper one of those traffic coppers. Tried to get me for drunken driving," Genna rolled her eyes taking a long drag on her cigarette

"Were you ?"

"Was I? yes of course i was drunk i missed the rugby match too. Was your father cross? Yes did he show it? No. That's the worst kind of Lannister anger when they don't show it. Your mother was like that too. Kept it all in and then... Anyway where were you? At the dinner after the match?"

"At a friend's" Cersei responded. Relief swept over Cersei, Euron was asleep at that time of the shagging in the toilet. Genna hadn't slept with Euron. Cersei smiled with Genna and Euron combined they must've shagged almost everyone in the riverlands, westerlands and the iron islands

"Didn't know you had any, anyway the copper claims he fancies me. Demanded that I leave your uncle as if." Genna scoffed

"Why have you not left uncle? You fool around behind his back all the time."

"A little louder sweetheart I think the neighbours didn't quite hear that," Genna rolled her eyes

"Sorry," Cersei said sweetly, not feeling sorry at all

"I would only leave your uncle for **the one**."

"The one?" Cersei queried, Genna wasn't romantic at all this would be amusing.

"What your mother and father had. I'm looking for that," Genna sighed and sat down on the garden bench

Cersei gave her aunt a hug. That wasn't amusing it was rather depressing.

Aunt genna was fucking her way through Westeros looking for the one and Cersei was 99.8% certain she shared a womb with her "the one"

Maybe Lannister women weren't meant to be happy.

* * *

"Cersei love something's come up can you look after Tyrion for oh three hours or so? I'd ask Jaime but he has fencing with that dark haired shifty looking fella"

"Why?" Cerei asked pouting

"well if you must know I am negotiating a Ladies' happy hour at the country club with a lovely Dornish man and…"

Cersei zoned out, Aunt Genna had a Law degree, she was like most Lannisters, very good at manipulating the law. Cersei didn't understand why Aunt Genna didn't practice law instead of staying home looking after her cousins Cleos, Lyonel, Tion and Red. She was one of the few women in Westeros who took on vocational studies, as most women were expected to help run their family businesses till their heirs came of age. Infact, Genna was so good at contractual Law that she was on the board of the Royal Law Society.

"Cersei?"

"Yes whatever Aunt Genna, look after the demon-monkey."

"Cersei," Genna warned.

"Yes I agree Aunt Genna I shall look after ...Tyrion."

"Splendid."

"Where are you off to Aunt Genna?" Cersei asked, "in case I need help like if Tyrion gets poisoned."

"My shag pad," Genna winked

"Your... what pad?"

"Shag pad, state of the art, sound proof little flat with a jacuzzi and a bed big enough for 3," she boasted

Cersei called Euron when Genna went up to get pretty

Euron had been fantasising about Cersei. They had two children a boy and a girl. They lived in a flat with a backyard, a nearby park and a small lake. They had two dogs. Cersei ran a successful art gallery while Euron ran a tour through the iron islands on a luxury boat. It was a nice life he'd be good. He could be good. He'd become good just for her. It was what she deserved.

"Princess?"

"Come over here **now** ," Cersei hissed

"You... want me to come to Casterly Rock?" Euron could not believe what he was hearing, was his fantasy coming true? With him doing the bare minimum, the most beautiful girl in the world, daughter to the most respected, feared and richest man in the world was about to introduce him to her family. He was going to the Rock, this was an honour.

"Yes are you hard of hearing you stupid tit?" Cersei snapped breaking him out of his daze.

"Be there soon, Cersei…" He trailed off.

Cersei hung up on him

"Don't wait up," Genna sang out

"Three hours Aunt Genna," Cersei reminded her, "I shall put a timer on Aunt Genna, not a moment more than 3 hours."

Genna gasped then beamed, "I would expect nothing less from a girl I raised myself. Yes my pet I shall return within 3 hours."

Genna grabbed her dark scarf, oversized sunglasses and a large clutch purse.

"Follow my aunt," Cersei hissed at Euron when she called him

"Oh," he exclaimed in disappointment, "I thought I was going to see you."

Cersei hung up.

Cersei watched Tyrion gratefully eat whatever she gave him.

Cersei slipped out of the house, "So where did she go?" she asked Euron

"A flat down in…"

"You have the address?" Cersei asked, all business.

"Yeah of course it's…"

"Good talk to you later," Cersei cut him off

* * *

Cersei looked up from her magazine to see Genna arms crossed tapping her foot

"What did the imp do now?" Cersei asked rolling her eyes

"Crisps, chocolate and Booze really?" Genna asked

"Atleast the booze was for me," Cersei said reaching for her glass of red wine

Cersei called Euron after Aunt Genna and Tyrion went to the tailor. Cersei had Genna entire day plan.

When she arrived at the boat in dark cargo pants and a black hoodie he was a bit surprised she always looked like she had walked out of a fashion magazine

"There's a lot of pockets here she said it's quite scratchy."

He saw a tag peeking out of her clothes

"So I been thinking I might give up my life of crime maybe settle down…" Euron began sincerely.

"Yeah sounds good are you any good at breaking in?" Cersei asked getting down to business

"What?"

"Can you break into a building you know pick locks and all that rubbish?" Cersei asked impatiently

"Yea I'm an s-man."

"What?" she asked with a disgusted look on her face

He put up a finger, "sailing," then another, "shagging and," another finger went up "stealing."

"Fantastic," she clasped her hands together, "grab your stealing tools we have to go break into my aunt's secret flat."

"Okay, a quick pitstop first."

"If you must." Cersei rolled her eyes.

* * *

"Oh ho! Nice of you to remember you work here," Victorian snapped at Euron

"Brother," Euron said smoothly as he yanked open the staff fridge and started chucking the contents out

"Brother?" Vic asked

"I need a fridge."

"Why, praytell, d'ya suddenly need a fridge? Ye have a cooler fer yer beer?"

"I 'av a girl now, Vic." Euron said sagely, "they like Ice-cream and ready meals and… such."

"Nobody likes ready meals and who would be stupid enough to go with you…" Vic's words died on his lips as the light of the west walked into the staff room. Even though she was dressed in baggy dark clothing she was unmistakably Cersei Fucking Lannister.

"Could you hurry up? I can feel my hair getting coated and pores getting clogged from the oil in the air," she shuddered.

Vic stared at the girl and then back at his brother. He didn't know what was more ludicrous that his brother was with an actual Lannister from the head family or that his stupid brother actually thought that she'd ever eat a ready meal.

"Cersei, my least hated brother Victorian Greyjoy."

"Charmed," Cersei said looking toward Victorian.

Vic remembered her from that day Harry left. Vic felt invisible when she looked straight through him.

"Will you be long?" Cersei asked in a tone which already dictated that the answer could only be no.

"No… this can wait princess," he said goofily and turned on his heel leaving the fridge door open. Vic just gaped at Euron holding the door open for the girl who walked through the door as if she owned **the Pyke**.

Victorian looked at all the ruined food Eueon had thrown in the bin.

Euron was smart. So smart that the Septas said he was not challenged enough that's why he turned to crime well that and stealing was ingrained in the Greyjoy genes. Euron's intellect they said had a 85% chance of turning him insane they said.

Well Victorian thought watching Euron and Cersei get on Euron's motorcycle it had finally happened, Eueon had finally gone mad. There was no way the Lannister was actually serious about his brother.

* * *

Cersei looked at the keypad. She pouted at it. She tried her birthday, her father's birthday, Genna's birthday she didn't even know Genna's children's birthdays. No way would genna put the day of joanna's passing as the passcode so Tyrion's birthday was out.

"Let me," Euron said producing a small kit he extracted a screw driver and unscrewed the plastic cover of the keypad. He stuck some kitchen foil with gum around and the keypad, and connected it to a small machine with two dials, after twisting the dials delicately, the keypad beeped happily.

"Not that i mind it, but why exactly are we breaking into your aunts flat?"

"Because my birthday is coming up, if I get in there and steal it then she'll have to buy me another."

"I am risking prison time for a birthday present?"

"Oh do shut up. We are Lannisters, our gifts are meaningful. It can make or break our whole year or our future. She is practically my mother. She can decide my future this is serious."

"My apologies, Princess. We also have a saying about gifts, the surest way to a woman's…

"No one cares what you ironborn degenerates think about gifts you all probably nicked it off a delivery van anyway."

* * *

After searching high and low and coming up empty handed Cersei turned to accuse Euron of not working as hard as her.

Cersei saw something in Euron's pocket, a plastic bag with herbs.

She reached for it he stopped her hand.

"Is that," she asked

"Yes, my premium stock," he said proudly.

"Wow, you're as stupid as you look, walking around with that in your pocket."

"I 'ad a business deal, I blew off for this," he told her

"I wanna try some," she put out her hand

"Are you off your rockers? Absolutely not." He scowled down at her

This was it. She'd seen this before on the telly. When a boy loved a girl he'd want to protect her, apparently Euron didn't want her to ruin her life with drugs. The kraken was sweet but Cersei wasn't going to let anyone make her decisions for her, apart from her father.

Eueon was going to tell her that he loved her, she would have to gently but firmly turn him down, he was her not her best ally nor her favourite ally, but he was resourceful. And no one rankled Jaime quite like the kraken.

Her hopelessly devoted kraken. Gosh Genna would be proud she'd already fucked the Greyjoy up without so much as a shag their snog had only a microseconds of tongue.  
She was such a good students of aunt genna's if only a father would make her his heir...

"No, you have your father's money, influence and name. I need this. I must save up and break off with with my family or else I am just going to rot in the islands and die in the gutter like a dog."

"So you're not gonna give me drugs." She asked

"Did you not hear anything I said?" he asked incredulously

"Only that it is perfectly fine for you," she poked his chest, "to dabble but not me."

"I just told you, I need the money…"

Ugh he wasn't confessing his love, Cersei decided that she would have to prompt him.

"Is there a reason you won't let me indulge in the shade of the evening?" she had just given him an opening all he had to do was confess that he loved her.

"Yes you're mad already, you don't need drugs. You might think you're an actual lion and rip my throat out, you know one of the Targ princes thought he was a dragon and jumped off a roof after having some shade."

A comical look of shock was on Cersei's face, "I… I am not a targ…"

That's not what some rumours claimed, that none of Tywin Lannister's children were his, that they were all King Aery's bastards. Also Cersei was a drug Euron thought as Cersei looked longingly at the packet in his hands.

The lights went off suddenly Cersei felt a hand squeeze hers, was the kraken scared of the dark? No tears shampoo? Mooning over his ex girlfriend? This was the scary mad Kraken? Talk about false advertising.

"Ugh," she exclaimed snatching her hand away as the light came on

Euron tried the door the keypad beeped angrily and a countdown started

"What the fuck?" Cersei demanded

"I've uh started a factory reset we can't leave for four hours."

"Ugh, i wish Jaime were here and not you." Cersei crossed her arms over her chest

"Let me get this straight. You want to be stuck in a place called the shag pad with your twin brother... And you don't see anything wrong with that?"

"No, because a heterosexual male and female can spend time together not having sex. Not everything need be about sex."

"Spoken like someone who's never dunnit," he grinned at her opening the fridge, he pulled out some chocolate. **Mmm** he exclaimed it was liqueur chocolate.

"Ha!" Cersei wheeled around, "I **have** done it and he was richer than you, bigger than you and," she smirked, "older than you… a real man."

"Who?" he asked swallowing the chocolate down, he'd never indulged in something so decadent before.

"You've not earned enough trust points to know but he's very famous and very handsome. Oh gods," she sighed, "what a scandal if anyone found out," she giggled.

Euron ran some names through his head well at least it wasn't her brother she was shagging, now that was a scandal.

Before he could get more details she had moved on, the stars in her eyes replaced with cool determination, "put that back," she snapped as he reached for a jar. He pulled it out and opened it he sniffed it looked like paint it smelled like fruit.

"What is it?"

"Edible body paint."

"So you're saying I can't… eat it?"

"Godamn it," she said shoving the jar back into the fridge

He pulled out a cucumber.

"I would not recommend that either," Cersei laughed wickedly

He put it back and wiped his hand on his jeans swallowing hard.

"We're looking for a pink gift wrapped box," she informed him

As he opened a bottle of Evian sparkling water, "oh crud," he thought, "rich people have strange tastes."

"Yes, it shan't be suspicious that it is the only thing that goes missing," he deadpanned

"Are you seriously suggesting that i let you burgle my aunt? The woman who raised me?"

"Aren't you stealing from her too?" Euron asked referring to their earlier conversation.

"No."

"You're saying that you will drop subtle hints to get another gift if the current gift is not satisfactory?"

"Oh gods no ill just destroy it." She scoffed

"How is that not stealing and…" Euron began

"Less talking more searching." Cersei cut him off.

Euron picked up a risqué looking lingerie he squinted, "what the…"

"Give that here," Cersei snapped she threw it into a hamper by the bathroom

"Waste of money," he said, "Give us some alcohol and a dark room."

"You know, my aunt genna said that people who talk about sex a lot either are lousy at it or aren't getting any... And since you get more arse than a public lavatory I'd say you must be stink shit at sex."

"Princess, you can insult my mother and call my ancestors a bunch of thieving rapists but do not insult my boat or my sexual skills those are the only things I'm good at."

Cersei walked past him, triumphantly holding up a large red box with a gold ribbon stuck on top of the lid

Cersei gasped at the contents was a dress.

A wedding gown.

"Cersei?"

She shook her head and sat on the edge of Genna's bed.

Euron put the box where Cersei had found it.

Cersei thought back to last Christmas. No, Aunt Genna wouldn't. She let out a gasp and ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

"You're not pregnant are you?"

"No I got the implant." Cersei responded.

"So what's with the …"

"Nothing how long till he can leave?" She asked sadly with a pout.

Euron checked the timer "ah fuck it," he said and grabbing a lion statue bludgeoned the keypad until the keypad beeped happily

"Ready when you are," he said, his breathing laboured.

* * *

"The security firm should be here any moment. I didn't see any cameras I assume your aunt didn't want anyone to see her visitors. Don't fret your aunt shan't be burgled." He assured her.

"I hope some arsonists get in," suddenly her eyes blazed with wildfire, "Euron she said drawled out…"

Euron wasn't aware that his name had so many syllables.

* * *

"Let me get this straight, you want me to set fire to your aunt's flat. With an astronomically high likelihood of me getting nicked by the coppers? Over a dress?"

Just like Jaime. Euron too would try to dissuade her or make her beg for him to do her bidding. Maybe Jaime was right she should have called Gregor, he would probably do what was needed.

She saw Euron walk away

Good help was truly hard to find he was on the phone she bought him. Ungrateful prick. She really couldn't trust anyone.

He was walking back to her a few minutes later he pocketed his sunglasses and took off his beanie and scarf.

Cersei would try and convince him that he had to set fire to the flat, because his prints were on the lion statue.

Cersei didn't have to, as he opened a bottle and took a swig and then poured other liquids and powders into it and then stuffed a tea towel into the mouth of the bottle he pulled out a lighter

"My lads have caused a traffic jam the security firm shan't be here for a good 5-10 minutes."

"Most impressive," she told him sincerely. If only he wasn't a fucking Greyjoy.

* * *

Cersei watched with a sweet smile as he walked back to her as if he hadn't just committed arson. She even allowed him to slide his arm around her shoulder to steer her away as the authorities arrived on the scene. She looked over her shoulder smiling as her aunt's shag pad went up in smoke.

 _Marry me off will you? Without even asking me? Have fun shagging in public toilets Aunt Genna_. Ceresei sighed with satisfaction. She wished she had used the Jacuzzi at least once before she destroyed the shag pad.

"Who do you think you're marrying?"

"Someone stupid rich and powerful," Cersei responded

"Robert Baratheon?"

Cersei laughed, but her stomach was in knots. "Oh gods no he loves his lady lyanna. Even if I agree which I won't he wouldn't agree to marry me. He doesn't love me."

 _ **No one but Jaime loves me**_ she thought with a mournful sigh.

She stole a glance at Euron remembering Aunt Gennas words _rich, stupid and powerful._ Euron was none of the above. As Cersei got on his bike behind him wrapping her arms around his waist, Genna's criteria for lover popped into her head, _choose the one who loves you more than you love him_. Cersei didn't love him at all, whereas hadn't he just proved that he loved her? By risking imprisonment?

No this was Euron Greyjoy, the ironborn couldn't be trusted especially with something as precious and pure as a Lannister's love. _Only a Lannister could truly love another Lannister_. Wasn't that why Aunt Genna was so miserable?

* * *

When Euron got home he fell into another deep sleep and dreamed again.

 **Dream**  
 _Something was off. Cersei was still his wife they had two ankle biters, a blonde boy and a darker haired girl. Suddenly Cersei beckoned Euron over as he placed bowls of fruit in front of his kids._ _  
_ _"Don't give me second hand shit you arsehole," she said throwing her glass of orange juice in his face._ _  
_ _She picked up the boy and Jaime picked up the girl._

" _Cersei?" Euron called out_

 _She turned back with a smile, "did you really believe that these were your children. She laughed they're Jaime's." She walked back as Jaime took the boy from Cersei's arms. Cersei leaned in and whispered_ _ **"I love my brother I love my lover."**_

Euron sat up with a groan, the dream fading but Cersei's feral, pleased smile haunted him. I deserve this he told himself. That was Falia's dream. She wanted children, a flat with an elevator, a dog and a nearby park. He didn't know what Cersei wanted but it wasn't him. Maybe it was a sign. He should get back with Falia. Cersei wasn't falia and he was just a tool to Cersei. If he was smart he would find Falia and beg her to take him back.

This thing with Cersei was over his head. He was powerless when it came to her. Cersei would not only damn him further in the seven hells she would probably join in if the depravity was enjoyable enough. If he wanted to turn his life around if he wanted salvation, it wasn't Cersei who would save him but Falia. Falia would be the cure to the addiction named Cersei Lannister.

* * *

 **Notes** :

Okay so I HATE it when good girls save or fix bad boys so I'm trying to be subversive and have the bad boy want to be better but the bad girl has other plans.

Genna talking about privates stealing is from Black mirror


End file.
